"A Gary Jones film" Now I know who to mail the anthrax to.
There is just so much wrong with this movie. I don't care how "mutated" you make him, Paul Bunyan will never be scary. There's just something about giants that sets off my "this isn't scary at all" nerve. Let's just start with the plot, or lack thereof. Some teenagers being played by 30-something-year-old actors are sent to a juvenile detention facility that's located in the woods because of reasons I can't remember because this movie sucks. Anyway, they do juvenile delinquent stuff like not listening to the warden and making out with each other at night until they start exploring and they find a giant ox skeleton. A kid takes the horn off of the skull and they take it back to the cabin. And now is about the time the movie's villain shows up. Here's what they decided to make the terrifying villain of this movie look like:
Hurr durr
I hate this movie so much. I don't even care if I spoil the movie for you, you shouldn't be watching this abomination anyway. Turns out that the skeleton was Babe the blue ox and because her horn wasn't there anymore, ol' Pauly B goes on a rampage and tries to kill the kids at the cabin. We don't find out that Paul just wants the horn back until near the end of the movie. Wait. This plot sounds familiar. The whole "someone steals something and the owner of that thing comes after them". No. It can't be.
SCREW YOU, GARY JONES!
WHY?! Why would you do that?! You took the minor subplot of a terrible movie and turned it into the driving plot point of your movie! That is literally the worst movie making decision I've ever seen!
All stolen plots aside, the kids try to give the horn back, but Paul isn't havin' any of it because he's now infatuated with one of the girls who just happens to look like his first girlfriend. Greeeeeaaaaat. So then the climax of the movie happens and it's just Paul chasing the survivors' truck as they make their way to a river bridge in town and then they either blow up the bridge with Paul on it or they just shoot him, I don't remember which. Either way, Paul falls in the river and the day is saved.
Babe realizes what movie she's currently in.
This movie made me literally angry. Nothing about this movie was good. Wait, I take that back. There was one entertaining kill where Paul just straight up chops a girl in half vertically and her halves fall over.
I'm suddenly craving a banana split.
But that's it! Everything about this movie was bottom of the barrel garbage! The actors were wooden through the entire thing, even when they were in life threatening situations they still had blank expressions on their faces! The one girl who I definitely did NOT want to see naked gets naked almost immediately and the concept of Paul Bunyan changing his motive to "get girl, marry girl, sex girl" halfway through the movie gives me Creature flashbacks and I don't like it. And if you're gonna steal a plot, at least steal it from a good movie and try to make sure that it's the main plot instead of a minor subplot! Jurassic Park 3 might be my favorite of the trilogy, but I can admit that it was a godawful movie. Though it wasn't anywhere near as putrid as this steaming pile of crap! And the green screen! OH MY GOD THE GREEN SCREEN! I'm pretty sure that only 10% of this movie was actually shot in a real world setting and not in a studio! This movie is just balls. Just straight up balls. It was one of the worst horror movies I've ever seen and definitely one of the worst overall movies ever made. I give it 1 hilariously unscary villain out of a possible 10, just because the vertical split kill made me laugh a little. Don't even give this movie the time of day. It's not worth your attention.
HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE
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