Sawstravaganza! Saw 7: Oh Thank God It's Finally Over (2010) Review

So, here we are. The final chapter in the Saw franchise. Labeled in theaters as "Saw 3D", but not really having any well-done 3D effects, Saw VII is the worst-reviewed movie in the series. However, I consider it one of my guiltiest pleasures. Why? That requires some insight into the plot and traps. Let's dive into Saw 7.

"Mind-blowing 3D"

LAST MOVIE SPOILERS HYYYYYPE!

Everyone says that the plot of this movie is nonsensical, but I think that it was absolutely perfect. It fit well alongside the other plot devices in the series. In this movie, a man named Bobby is living his life as a lie. He published a book which described how he survived a Jigsaw trap. This is a self help book for people who have also experienced some sort of Jigsaw-related trauma. He leads a support group where other survivors can come and share their stories in order to feel better about what happened to them. Hey, that's a great plot device! Come on, critics! Anyway, Bobby lies to everybody and says that his trap consisted of him piercing two meat hooks through his pectoral muscles and then hoisting himself up to the ceiling to push a button before time expired and a bomb went off. Now, that never actually happened and he's just trying to rip people off for their money. 

After that character development, Bobby gets kidnapped and placed in a big trap taking place in an abandoned insane asylum (where else would it be?). Jigsaw makes it clear that if Bobby doesn't pass his tests in under 60 minutes, his wife will die. So, Bobby makes his way through the asylum, taking part in various traps, which all feature people who helped him form his lie, his publicist, his lawyer, and his best friend. When he finally finds his wife, Bobby has to free her from inside of an oven which will incinerate her if he fails. To do this, Bobby must go through the trap that he technically invented by piercing his pecs with meat hooks and hoisting himself up to the ceiling to plug a plug into a socket. With the socket just out of his reach, his pecs give way and he falls to the ground. Then, the oven starts and Bobby is left there to watch in horror as his wife is burned to ashes in front of his eyes.

The irony is just so delicious!

This movie's obligatory "cops doing cop stuff" side plot is about Jill hiring an FBI agent to protect her from Hoffman, who is now trying to kill her. The agent and his team track Hoffman to the police department, but when they enter, they're gunned down by an automated turret that Hoffman rigged specifically for them. With them out of the way, Hoffman is then free to kill Jill by placing her in a reverse bear trap and letting it go off without giving her a chance to remove it. 

Why is the irony in this movie so GOOOOOD?!

With Jill out of the way, Hoffman decides to relocate his Jigsaw base, so he burns his old one and after that, he's captured by a group of masked men. When he comes to, Hoffman finds himself chained to the wall in the same bathroom that was featured in the first Saw movie. The person who kidnapped him is Gordon, the man who cut off his own foot to escape in that movie. He is revealed to be working for Jigsaw after the events of Saw 1, where he is told by John Kramer to "act on his behalf" if anything happens to both him and his wife. Hoffman reaches for the hacksaw, but Gordon kicks it away, giving Hoffman no means of escape. He says the series' catchphrase "Game Over", before closing the bathroom door and sealing it, leaving Hoffman to starve to death.

IRONY LEVELS REACHING CRITICAL MASS!

LAST MOVIE SPOILERS CONCLUDED!

So, do you guys see now why this is one of my most favorite guilty pleasures? By no means is this a good movie. Everything is all over the place and nothing is executed well. Even the veteran actors seemed bored with their roles. But the plot! And the originality! And the traps! My God, THE TRAPS! The traps in this movie are some of the absolute best in the whole series. It's like they knew this was gonna be the last movie so they went all out with them. A girl gets sawed in half, a girl gets skewered through her neck by 4 spikes, a girl gets stabbed through her eyes and mouth by some rail spikes, a man gets launched into the air and hung by a noose, and a woman gets incinerated in an oven. But, that's not even the worst of it. This movie has the distinct honor of featuring my favorite Saw trap of all time. It's the most creative, most brutal, most sadistic trap I've ever seen in this series and it is just so satisfying to watch. I present to you: The Horsepower Trap.

Overall, Saw 7 is definitely deserving of it's low rating by other critics, but I just love it so much. Like I said, it's just one of those movies that's just fun to watch, even if it's bad. I think it's one of the most creative entries in the series and for that reason, I give this movie 6 meat hooks through the pectoral muscles out of a possible 10. It's one of my favorites for a reason. 

Well, that's Saw Week! There were some delays, but I do hope you all have enjoyed this rapid-fire reviewing session! I'll return to my scheduled programming next week. But before I go, I have one little question about the Saw series that nobody on the Internet can seem to answer for me. 

WHY

IS

THERE

SO

 

MUCH

FREAKING

GREEN?!

Sawstravaganza! Saw 6: Revengeance (2009) Review

So, after the failure of Saw 4 and Saw 5, everybody was not looking forward to the next installment in the series. Boy, were they pleasantly surprised when Saw 6 rolled around. This movie is the 3rd highest ranking Saw movie on RottenTomatoes, with a 37%. That's really really good for a horror movie! Why is this one ranked so high? Well, let's just take a look, shall we?

OH GOD! HERE COME THE SPOILERS!

This movie. It's just really original and really good. The movie is all about a man named William Easton, who is the CEO of a large medical insurance company. His policy is that he doesn't give health coverage to anyone unless they're already young and in near perfect condition. What a dick. Anyway, Easton gets captured and put in a giant trap, which takes place in an abandoned zoo.

Abandoned just like the theaters for this film.

Anyway, the main draw of the game is that William's arms and legs are strapped with explosive devices and he must go through the zoo, taking part in smaller traps featuring the people from his company who helped him rip people off throughout the years. If he fails to complete a test or refuses to comply, the explosives will detonate and kill him. The second main point of the game is that there is a mother and son locked up at the end of William's given path. They are the family of a man who was denied coverage by William's company for no reason whatsoever and when he makes it to them at the end, they have a choice whether to kill him or spare him and have his sister die instead. William is placed in this trap because he was the one who denied John Kramer coverage when he learned that he was dying of cancer.

The main reason why I like this movie more than the others is that William actually learns his lesson while he's going through the tests. He doesn't seem callous or angry towards Jigsaw for placing him in the traps. He fully understands that he's done wrong and he tries his best to make amends for that while he's making his way through the zoo. In the end, he tells the mother and son to kill him because it's the only way that he can truly show how sorry he is for what he's done. That's something that you never see in these movies: a person with a true appreciation for his life. That's why this movie is so much better than some of the others. 

I could take this key, but what's the point, man?

The other point in this movie is that Hoffman is trying to kill off the rest of the investigators who now know that he's the Jigsaw killer. So he gets both of them in a room together, stabs them both, plants Strahm's prints at the scene, and burns the room. However, that's not enough drama for this mama. When he goes back to the zoo to watch William's tests, Hoffman is attacked by Jill and placed in a reverse bear trap. This was what was given to Jill by John's lawyer in Saw 5, telling her that his last request was to capture him. Hoffman manages to stop the device from fully opening by jamming it inbetween two window bars, but by the time he frees himself, half of his mouth is already torn off. The movie then ends with Hoffman screaming. 

Sorry sir, but The Walking Dead auditions are in the other studio.

OH GOOD! THE SPOILERS ARE OVER!

So, what stands out about this movie overall? Well, for one, the acting in this is much MUCH better than the others. Peter Outerbridge as William Easton does a terrific job expressing just how torn up inside this man truly is over what he's done. Costas Mandylor is still good as Hoffman and he does a good job with his new "crazy" role. On top of that, Shawnee Smith and Tobin Bell return in flashbacks. 

The traps in this one are terrific. They're some of the most brutal and sadistic traps the series has to offer. A guy gets his torso crushed in a vice, a guy gets hung by a noose of barbed wire, a girl gets a spike impaled through her skull, four people get shot point blank by a shotgun, and a guy gets injected with acid and melts from the inside out. However, those all pale in comparison to the one trap from this movie that everyone remembers, because it is one of the most cringe-worthy moments in this entire series. I am of course talking about the "pound of flesh" trap: 

*shudders*

Overall, Saw 6 is one of the best entries in the series for it's original plot points, fine acting, and actually having someone learn a lesson from the trap this time instead of just dying in it or surviving and hating Jigsaw forever. This movie gets a resounding 7 pounds of flesh out of a possible 10. Definitely check it out. 

Sawstravaganza! Saw 5: Jigsaw's Dinner Party (2008) Review

Alrighty, here we go. Saw 5 is the final nail in the coffin of the series, ultimately showing everyone that there was nothing else that this franchise had to offer........that is, until next year when Saw 6 came out and people were both not surprised and pleasantly surprised at the same time. But we'll touch more on that tomorrow. This is Saw 5.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Instead of doing an intro, I'm just gonna jump right into explaining the plot of this movie, because unlike the other movies, this one is extremely simple. 

After the events of Saw 4, Hoffman is known to be the new Jigsaw killer. When Strahm gets locked in the meat factory's sick room with the corpses of Jeff, Lynn, Amanda, and John Kramer, he finds a secret door and a recorder. The recorder tells him not to go into the door, but he does anyway and then he gets attacked by a masked man and knocked out. When he comes to, Strahm finds himself in the main trap of the movie, the Water Cube. The Water Cube was used in a lot of the advertisements for Saw V, and for good reason; it's one of the most creative traps in the whole series. It's so simple, yet so sadistic. I'll let you see for yourself how he manages to get himself out of it:

Here's how the rest of the movie goes: Strahm tries to chase down Hoffman because he knows that he's the killer, Jill receives an inheritance and last will from John's lawyer, and 5 people are involved in the movie's main plot point, a huge Jigsaw game revolving around the 5 of them working as a team to overcome the traps. 

So THAT'S why it's called Saw 5!

A bit of Hoffman's backstory is explained. Also, Strahm dies in the end by one of Hoffman's traps. That's it. That's the whole movie. In this movie, the five people in the big game kind of take a side role. I was really surprised when they decided to make the main focus on Hoffman trying to outwit Strahm. While it was senseless cop drama, I still kind of liked it. But not a lot. 

That being said, the five people in the big game is a good plot too. In the end, they kill off 3 of each other in the traps and at the final test, they learn that it requires all five of them to complete and if they had worked together in the previous games, they all would have survived. It's a pretty nice touch. Anyway, that's Saw 5.

SPOILERS CONCLUDED!

I hope you guys don't feel ripped off with this review, because there's really not much that I can say about this movie. The plot is just so simple, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it definitely doesn't help the movie at all. As before, not an ounce of good acting to be seen here. Not gonna waste my time on that aspect. The traps are pretty decent, much better than Saw 4's (then again, everything about this movie is better than Saw 4). A guy gets sliced in half by a pendulum, a girl gets decapitated, a guy gets blown up by nail bombs, a girl gets stabbed then electrocuted, two people get their arms sawed in half, and a guy gets crushed between two closing walls. The gore is really good, but the blood effects leave a lot to be desired. 

Overall, Saw 5 is still the second worst film in the series in my eyes because of it's ridiculously simple plot that doesn't contribute anything to the story at all. I give it 4 emergency pen tracheotomies out of a possible 10. At least it can say it's not as bad as Saw 4.

DAMN YOU, JAMES WAAAAAAAAN!

Sawstravaganza! Saw 4: Seriously, Another One? (2007) Review

Hey, remember how I said in the last review that nobody cared about the cops in Saw? Well, HERE'S AN ENTIRE MOVIE FULL OF NOTHING BUT COPS!

Seriously, I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to put all the cops into one movie and have them do cop things for two hours, but I hate them for it. If you couldn't already tell, this is my least favorite entry in the Saw series. Why? Well, let's just take a look at the plot, or lack thereof. By the way, from now on, it is physically impossible for me to explain these movies without spoiling everything about them. That's just how these films work from 3 onwards. So here we go.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

So Jigsaw is dead. The film makes that obvious by showing his dead body being dissected and autopsied in the opening credits. Stupid Cop #3, aka Hoffman, finds a cassette in his body that says that maybe he can succeed where others have failed, which automatically gives away the fact that Hoffman is the new Jigsaw killer. Oh, sorry? You didn't want to know that yet? Well, maybe you shouldn't have looked at the section below the giant "spoilers ahead" line. Sorry, I'm legitimately angry while writing this review because I have to think about just how ridiculously stupid and unnecessary this movie is. 

So, Hoffman and Rigg investigate the scene of Alison's death at the hands of one of the best traps ever in Saw 3. There, they meet Agent Strahm and Agent Perez. Strahm and Perez are your typical Saw cops, generic law-abiding goodie-goods who barely ever have anything interesting to say or contribute to the story. Strahm suggests that because of how the trap was set up, it would've been impossible for just Amanda to put Alison into it, which is pretty much like the movie screaming at you, "HEY LOOK! HOFFMAN IS THE NEW JIGSAW KILLER!". 

Just in case his evil, serial killer-looking face doesn't already tip you off.

Rigg is then kidnapped and given the main plot, er, "his game" by Jigsaw. Also, Hoffman goes missing, which is basically the movie's way of saying, "Hey, Hoffman's the new Jigsaw killer. He totally just faked his own disappearance so the other cops wouldn't suspect him of anything. How are you not seeing this yet?" Here's how the game works: Jigsaw tells Rigg that Detective Matthews (who was assumed dead at the end of Saw 2) is still alive and he has 90 minutes to figure out the clues that lead him to Matthews so Rigg can save him before the trap that he's in goes off and actually kills him for real this time. These clues come in the form of traps that Rigg has to interact with in some sort of way. The big reveal near the end is that all of the traps had a letter G on them, which somehow makes Rigg come to the conclusion that he needs to go to an abandoned meat factory whose logo also features a letter G, but with the same font as the trap G's.

Seriously, that clue is just WAY too vague for him to legitimately come to that conclusion.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention (probably because it's so forgettable), while Rigg is doing his tests, Strahm and Perez are interrogating Jigsaw's ex-wife, Jill. This leads to some interesting backstory about how John Kramer became Jigsaw and even gives us the story of his first trap and victim. Strahm also comes to the conclusion that the final test has to be at the meat factory through an equally senseless way. Jill tells Strahm that she named her unborn son Gideon, which also happens to be the name of the meat factory. Just....just no. I'm getting tired. Let's move onto the climax, shall we?

In the meat factory, Rigg finds the final trap, which is waaaaay too complicated for me to explain here. It involves Hoffman, Matthews (who is actually alive), and some guy from the beginning of the movie who survived a different trap. If Rigg messes up, all three of them die, one by hanging, one by electrocution, and one by getting his head smashed by two swinging blocks of ice. 

Free hat not included.

For some reason, Matthews has access to a gun and shoots at Rigg when he sees him walking outside of the window. *insert cop gunfight here* After a few shots are fired, the ice blocks smash Matthews' head, Rigg is shot in the stomach, and the guy from the beginning of the movie is dead by Rigg's bullet. Hoffman then does the big reveal when he released himself from the trap without a scratch, almost like he designed it to work like that. "DO YOU GET IT NOW?!" - Saw 4, to the audience. Hoffman leaves Rigg to bleed to death and goes further into the meat factory to discover Strahm and Jeff from Saw 3 fighting in the room that Jigsaw died in. Strahm kills Jeff and then is locked in the room to starve to death by Hoffman. Roll credits.

What Saw 4 made me want to do to my eyes after seeing it.

 So yeah, Saw 3 and Saw 4 happen at the same time. Cool, let's never speak of this hideous abomination ever again. 

SPOILERS CONCLUDED!

I found it really hard to like anything about this movie. The only acting that shines through is Costas Mandylor as Hoffman. Everybody else is extremely wooden and boring to watch. The plot was completely unnecessary and only exists to let everybody know that Hoffman is the new Jigsaw killer. The whole "mystery" aspect to Rigg's test doesn't make any sense at all and it doesn't seem like he was being taught a lesson. He never has to put himself in any immediate danger, and he isn't in a trap until the end of the movie, and the trap wasn't the thing that killed him, it was Matthews and his gun! This whole film is just all over the place. Jill explaining Jigsaw's past was pretty nice, but it all seemed unnecessary as well since John Kramer is dead. 

The only decent part of the movie are the traps, which aren't really all that spectacular, except for the one at the end. The gore is once again stepped up, featuring people who aren't in traps getting killed. A guy slices up his face with knives and falls into a pit of razor wire, a guy gets his head smashed in with a hammer, a girl gets her scalp torn off, one of the detectives messes with a rigged clown puppet and she explodes, a guy gouges out his eye and then gets his limbs torn off, and finally, a crime scene photographer gets speared through the head by a misfiring trap. I could chalk the bad traps up to the fact that the Jigsaw killer isn't the same guy as in the first three movies, but I still say that the producers got lazy with this one. 

So, in the end, Saw 4 receives 3 previous movies that completely overshadow this one out of a possible 10. I would say to skip it, but you really need to see all of these movie in order to properly understand what's happening behind all the traps and gore. This is my least favorite Saw film for one simple reason:

NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE FREAKING COPS!