The Conjuring (2013) Review

My good friend and fellow horror reviewer, Dr. Blood (http://www.drbloodsvideovault.com/), usually has very valid and true opinions when it comes to reviewing horror movies. Him and I rarely ever disagree when it comes to what's good and what's not good in the horror world, but this movie is one of those occasions where we had polar opposite reactions to a movie. He hated it, said it was one of the worst and most boring horror films he's ever seen. I, on the other hand, adore this movie. I think it's amazingly shot, well-scripted, and incredibly scary. What movie has the kind of power to bring two people to totally opposite ends of the spectrum like that? That movie, my friends, is The Conjuring.

I don't really need to explain this movie, seeing as how it's probably the most popular and well-acclaimed horror movie of the past few years. You probably already know about it. But for those who don't know, the plot is ridiculously simple. Family moves into house, house is haunted, family hires ghost hunters to come help, ghost hunters go investigate and get more than they bargained for and end up in a life or death struggle with the ghosties. Simple as that. 

Fun prank: Tape your friend to a chair and nail that chair upside down to the ceiling.

Where this movie succeeds is it's ability to build tension. The first time I saw this film, I was on the edge of my seat in anticipation through the entire movie. The second time I saw it, I was still on edge even though I knew what was going to happen. Sure, there are a couple of cheap jump scares here and there, but for the most part, the scares in this movie are well done. Lots of creepy atmosphere and camera placement helps build up to the scare and when those scares hit, they hit hard. During one scene, I watched a lady in front of me literally fall out of her seat when the scare came. 

That's what I love most about this movie, it can keep you interested and on edge through the whole thing, even with multiple viewings. That's what makes a horror movie good, the ability to consistently scare you time and time again. 

Gotta make sure my makeup looks right before I go ghost hunting!

The acting is spot on in this movie, as well. Patrick Wilson returns as a James Wan regular, and he is the best actor in the film, as usual. The other adult actors are pretty great, too. They all seemed really into their roles and never once seemed wooden. Yes, there are a few child actors here, but none of them are too annoying and most of them don't even get that many lines. 

Overall, The Conjuring is a terrific film, even though it's a spooky ghost movie and you guys know those are my least favorite kind of horror films. I still really loved this movie and I give it 9 ghosts on top of the wardrobe out of 10. 

I chose to review this film now because in a couple of weeks, the prequel to this movie, Annabelle, is coming out. It tells the story of the possessed doll that makes appearances in this movie and has kind of a side plot within it. So, naturally, I'm gonna go see it when it comes out on October 3rd. I don't expect it to be any good, however, since James Wan isn't directing and "possessed object" movies are usually pretty awful. But whatever, I'm still excited for it. 

Know what else comes out on October 3rd? 

Okay Sakurai, you're gonna include a Pit clone, a Marth clone, and a Mario clone, but NO GENO?! I am disappoint.

As Above So Below (2014) Review

I'm so sad. No wait, not sad, disappointed. Extremely disappointed. I was looking forward to this movie for months. It seemed like it was really gonna be original and different, you know, not just another generic found footage horror flick. I was excited to finally see a horror movie taking place in the Paris catacombs, a place that definitely deserves a horror movie, yet never got one until now. I went into the theater on opening night, giddy with excitement over what I thought was going to be one of the best horror movies of the year. What I got in that theater was 93 minutes of pure, unfiltered crap. I give to you, As Above So Below. Let the groans begin.

What do you expect a movie set in the Paris catacombs to be about? Ghosts? Zombies? Evil skeletons rising from their graves to seek out a new body for their spooky scary skeleton antics? If you answered none of the above, congratulations! The correct answer is.......alchemy?

Yessir, this movie is about an archaeologist(who also happens to have PhDs in chemistry, symbology, and mythology, as well as speaking 4 languages and 2 dead ones, AND being a black belt in krav maga, what a show off) and her team of adventurers who go down into the catacombs because that's apparently where the philosopher's stone is hidden under the grave of Nicholas Flamel. She takes along a cameraman (who attaches head cams to everyone in the group for full spooky shaky cam effect), a translator, and three local guides on her quest through the musty underground. 

After some shenanigans with claustrophobia and almost getting lost, they end up taking a path that isn't on the map and end up in the spooky side of the catacombs. That's when they start finding spooky things that came from their past, like an old piano that the translator had when he was little. He knows it was his because he says the A4 key was messed up and when he played it, the A4 key was messed up. Oooooohhhhhh scaaaaaawwwy! 

Anyway, they find the philosopher's stone and then when they try to get out of the catacombs, they literally enter hell. Like seriously, they go through a hole in the wall that has that "Abandon all hope" sign above it and everything. That's when crap really starts hitting the fan. In hell, you've got a lanky guy wearing a robe that just casually sits in a chair alone until they walk past him, at which point he turns his head and he looks like Satan from Passion Of The Christ.

Run for your life! It's an albino!

Other "scary" things in the hell department of the catacombs include rock monsters that come out of the walls, water that turns into blood, and seeing visions of your dead little brother who drowned in a cave, which explains why the translator was so afraid of caves. Terrifying. They do eventually get out and back into Paris, but I won't tell you how. And that's the movie. 

So, what did I think of this movie? As you can tell, I wasn't very impressed. Remember how I said that they take an unmapped path and end up in hell? Well, that doesn't happen until the last third of the movie. The first two thirds are quite possibly the slowest parts of any horror movie I've ever seen. It seems to take forever for anything to happen, and when something does happen, it's a cheap jump scare with no proper build up. There was one part of it that I didn't mind though, and that's one of the jump scares. They were trying to build up some suspense and you knew the jump was coming, but it came waaaay earlier than I anticipated, so it ended up getting me good. The rest of the time, I kid you not, is spent solving riddles. That's it. Go to a spot in Paris, solve a riddle about where you're supposed to go next to find the stone, rinse and repeat about 5 times. They're stupid riddles too, like determining how many planets were discovered when Flamel was alive, but not including stuff that happened after Copernicus, or perhaps you like some science in your riddles, such as seeing that a man in a painting has a key on his back, so you flip the painting over and spray lemon pledge on it and light it on fire in order to reveal another piece of the puzzle. I wish I was joking. 

Not even I could figure that stuff out!

The movie doesn't get anywhere until the last third, when they actually enter hell, which isn't the worst thing I've ever seen, but it's definitely not very good either. What happens in hell is just a mess of jump scares and the lead female krav maga-ing her way through a bunch of rock monsters. Also, this movie has the biggest cop out I've ever seen in it. I won't say what it is, because it's a major plot point and the major resolution of the movie, but trust me, it's stupid and it has to do with that dumb philosopher's stone and the power of your mind. 

Acting is alright. I didn't see anything too horrible coming from the main actors. Other than that, this movie is just a crazy mess that could've been something incredible. It's not extremely bad, but it's definitely a huge let down. If you haven't seen it already, I'd recommend waiting for it to come out on DVD. It's definitely worth one watch, but you're gonna be very bored for the majority of it. I give As Above So Below 5 spooky scary skeletons out of a possible 10. Not the worst, but it's still not very good. 

Jug Face (2013) Review

Holy crap. Almost 4 months since my last review. I' ve been out of commission for quite awhile, but here I am with a brand new review for those 5 people I know that actually pay attention to this stuff. It took a while for me to get back into the swing of things. I was in kind of a rut. But, much like the Nostalgia Critic, it took me watching a movie of unfathomable stupidity to get me back into the reviewing spirit.This is.....Jug Face. Prepare your anus.

This movie somehow has an 82% on RottenTomatoes. If you ask me, this movie doesn't even deserve a quarter of that score. Let's discuss the plot, shall we?

To my surprise, the plot was the most enjoyable/original part of this entire movie. It was pretty well-thought-out and very original. There's a village of amish-style people living in the woods and they worship a monster that lives in a large pit that's just outside of the village's limits. Every few months or so, the pit sends a vision to a local man, demanding a sacrifice of one of the villagers. The villager who will be sacrificed is presented to the man through the vision and he molds a jug in the shape of the sacrifice's head out of clay and puts it in the center of the town in order to let the people know who will be sacrificed. 

Will Ferrell in Step Brothers?! HE'S the psychic?!

Anyway, there's this girl who has sex with her blood brother in the beginning of the movie (gross), and finds later that she's pregnant. On top of that, the psychic tells her that he had a vision that she's gonna be the next person to be sacrificed to that-which-lies-in-the-pit. So, because psychic guy is in love with pregnant girl, they hatch a plan to not only keep her from being sacrificed, but also getting her arranged marriage husband sacrificed in her place. Spoiler alert: it kind of blows up in their faces at the end of the movie. I won't tell you how, but it just doesn't work the way they planned it.

Amish Girl #8275-C: Lead jug blower in the country band Hicksville Tractor Pull

So the plot is pretty decent, so why is this movie a spectacular failure? Well, to put it bluntly. THERE IS NO HORROR IN THIS HORROR MOVIE. The only "scares" come in the form of two(yes, only two) jump scares, where the girl sees the ghost of another kid who got sacrificed. And he looks......well...

Retarded.

Other than that, there is nothing more of value in this movie. It just trudges along at a snail's pace and the only thing that left me interested was the thought of getting to see the monster in the pit (which didn't happen, btw). This movie feels like it's three and a half hours long, despite only having a run time of 81 minutes. The acting is nonexistent, every character is wooden and can't act for beans, plus there's waaaaay too many of them to keep track. All in all, Jug Face is a movie that looked good when I first saw it browsing through Netflix, but that turned out to be a facade and I only wasted 81 minutes that I could have been spending playing video games or something else productive. 3/10, not good. Would not watch.

STAY AWAY. STAY VERY FAR AWAY.