Jug Face (2013) Review

Holy crap. Almost 4 months since my last review. I' ve been out of commission for quite awhile, but here I am with a brand new review for those 5 people I know that actually pay attention to this stuff. It took a while for me to get back into the swing of things. I was in kind of a rut. But, much like the Nostalgia Critic, it took me watching a movie of unfathomable stupidity to get me back into the reviewing spirit.This is.....Jug Face. Prepare your anus.

This movie somehow has an 82% on RottenTomatoes. If you ask me, this movie doesn't even deserve a quarter of that score. Let's discuss the plot, shall we?

To my surprise, the plot was the most enjoyable/original part of this entire movie. It was pretty well-thought-out and very original. There's a village of amish-style people living in the woods and they worship a monster that lives in a large pit that's just outside of the village's limits. Every few months or so, the pit sends a vision to a local man, demanding a sacrifice of one of the villagers. The villager who will be sacrificed is presented to the man through the vision and he molds a jug in the shape of the sacrifice's head out of clay and puts it in the center of the town in order to let the people know who will be sacrificed. 

Will Ferrell in Step Brothers?! HE'S the psychic?!

Anyway, there's this girl who has sex with her blood brother in the beginning of the movie (gross), and finds later that she's pregnant. On top of that, the psychic tells her that he had a vision that she's gonna be the next person to be sacrificed to that-which-lies-in-the-pit. So, because psychic guy is in love with pregnant girl, they hatch a plan to not only keep her from being sacrificed, but also getting her arranged marriage husband sacrificed in her place. Spoiler alert: it kind of blows up in their faces at the end of the movie. I won't tell you how, but it just doesn't work the way they planned it.

Amish Girl #8275-C: Lead jug blower in the country band Hicksville Tractor Pull

So the plot is pretty decent, so why is this movie a spectacular failure? Well, to put it bluntly. THERE IS NO HORROR IN THIS HORROR MOVIE. The only "scares" come in the form of two(yes, only two) jump scares, where the girl sees the ghost of another kid who got sacrificed. And he looks......well...

Retarded.

Other than that, there is nothing more of value in this movie. It just trudges along at a snail's pace and the only thing that left me interested was the thought of getting to see the monster in the pit (which didn't happen, btw). This movie feels like it's three and a half hours long, despite only having a run time of 81 minutes. The acting is nonexistent, every character is wooden and can't act for beans, plus there's waaaaay too many of them to keep track. All in all, Jug Face is a movie that looked good when I first saw it browsing through Netflix, but that turned out to be a facade and I only wasted 81 minutes that I could have been spending playing video games or something else productive. 3/10, not good. Would not watch.

STAY AWAY. STAY VERY FAR AWAY.