What do you expect a movie set in the Paris catacombs to be about? Ghosts? Zombies? Evil skeletons rising from their graves to seek out a new body for their spooky scary skeleton antics? If you answered none of the above, congratulations! The correct answer is.......alchemy?
Yessir, this movie is about an archaeologist(who also happens to have PhDs in chemistry, symbology, and mythology, as well as speaking 4 languages and 2 dead ones, AND being a black belt in krav maga, what a show off) and her team of adventurers who go down into the catacombs because that's apparently where the philosopher's stone is hidden under the grave of Nicholas Flamel. She takes along a cameraman (who attaches head cams to everyone in the group for full spooky shaky cam effect), a translator, and three local guides on her quest through the musty underground.
After some shenanigans with claustrophobia and almost getting lost, they end up taking a path that isn't on the map and end up in the spooky side of the catacombs. That's when they start finding spooky things that came from their past, like an old piano that the translator had when he was little. He knows it was his because he says the A4 key was messed up and when he played it, the A4 key was messed up. Oooooohhhhhh scaaaaaawwwy!
Anyway, they find the philosopher's stone and then when they try to get out of the catacombs, they literally enter hell. Like seriously, they go through a hole in the wall that has that "Abandon all hope" sign above it and everything. That's when crap really starts hitting the fan. In hell, you've got a lanky guy wearing a robe that just casually sits in a chair alone until they walk past him, at which point he turns his head and he looks like Satan from Passion Of The Christ.
Run for your life! It's an albino!
Other "scary" things in the hell department of the catacombs include rock monsters that come out of the walls, water that turns into blood, and seeing visions of your dead little brother who drowned in a cave, which explains why the translator was so afraid of caves. Terrifying. They do eventually get out and back into Paris, but I won't tell you how. And that's the movie.
So, what did I think of this movie? As you can tell, I wasn't very impressed. Remember how I said that they take an unmapped path and end up in hell? Well, that doesn't happen until the last third of the movie. The first two thirds are quite possibly the slowest parts of any horror movie I've ever seen. It seems to take forever for anything to happen, and when something does happen, it's a cheap jump scare with no proper build up. There was one part of it that I didn't mind though, and that's one of the jump scares. They were trying to build up some suspense and you knew the jump was coming, but it came waaaay earlier than I anticipated, so it ended up getting me good. The rest of the time, I kid you not, is spent solving riddles. That's it. Go to a spot in Paris, solve a riddle about where you're supposed to go next to find the stone, rinse and repeat about 5 times. They're stupid riddles too, like determining how many planets were discovered when Flamel was alive, but not including stuff that happened after Copernicus, or perhaps you like some science in your riddles, such as seeing that a man in a painting has a key on his back, so you flip the painting over and spray lemon pledge on it and light it on fire in order to reveal another piece of the puzzle. I wish I was joking.
Not even I could figure that stuff out!
The movie doesn't get anywhere until the last third, when they actually enter hell, which isn't the worst thing I've ever seen, but it's definitely not very good either. What happens in hell is just a mess of jump scares and the lead female krav maga-ing her way through a bunch of rock monsters. Also, this movie has the biggest cop out I've ever seen in it. I won't say what it is, because it's a major plot point and the major resolution of the movie, but trust me, it's stupid and it has to do with that dumb philosopher's stone and the power of your mind.
Acting is alright. I didn't see anything too horrible coming from the main actors. Other than that, this movie is just a crazy mess that could've been something incredible. It's not extremely bad, but it's definitely a huge let down. If you haven't seen it already, I'd recommend waiting for it to come out on DVD. It's definitely worth one watch, but you're gonna be very bored for the majority of it. I give As Above So Below 5 spooky scary skeletons out of a possible 10. Not the worst, but it's still not very good.
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