Goosebumps #53: Chicken Chicken Review

Just because I mainly review horror movies doesn't mean that I don't also enjoy reviewing horror books. So here's a Goosebumps book. I plan to make Goosebumps reviews a regular part of this blog alongside of the normal movie reviews because, well I've just always wanted to review these books because they were a huge part of my life and they were some of the earliest pieces of horror media that got me hooked onto the scary stuff. So here's the book that's probably the worst book in the series: Chicken Chicken.

This does not bode well.

I don't own the book entitled "Chicken Chicken" because it's a book entitled "Chicken Chicken". Along with being the worst book in the Goosebumps series, this book also has the honor of being one of the worst books ever written ever. Let me explain. 

This book is just completely devoid of any value and creative thought. It is an INSULT to the series that it is a part of, even if the other books in the series might also be bad. I can't think of the last time that a book made me actually angry to the point where I wanted to throw the book into a pit full of spikes and set it on fire. Here's the stupid plot: A girl named Crystal pisses off some goth girl and then the goth girl puts a curse on her by saying Chicken Chicken, slowly turning her into a chicken. Really scary plot, right? RIGHT?

Now, if you were slowly turning into a chicken, the first people you'd go to would be your friends and family, right? Hahahaha WRONG! Instead of trying to help her, Crystal's friends and family hurl insults at her, laugh at her, and play physically violent pranks on her, all because she's starting to grow feathers and a beak! THIS IS THE ENTIRE BOOK, PEOPLE! So after becoming more and more chicken-like, Crystal approaches the goth girl, who turns out to be a witch, by the way. I DIDN'T KNOW IF THEY MADE THAT OBVIOUS ENOUGH FOR YOU! Crystal is in full on baby chick mode now and she hops on the typewriter in the witch's house and types an apology by bouncing across the keys. 

Never before has this meme been more appropriate.

No, no wait, it gets EVEN BETTER! The witch doesn't believe her, so then Crystal types out ANOTHER letter thanking the witch for showing her the error of her ways! Can you guess what happens next? No? That's because THIS STORY IS WRITTEN SO HORRIBLY THAT IF CRYSTAL WAS ACTUALLY DREAMING THE WHOLE TIME I'D BE OKAY WITH IT! Jesus Christ. Then the witch is so surprised by Crystal's honesty that she turns her back into a human. 

THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST PLOT RESOLUTION I'VE EVER HEARD OF! I HATE YOU, STINE!

Then she gives Crystal and her brother, oh yeah I forgot to mention, Crystal has a brother who gets turned into a chicken too, but you barely hear anything about him throughout the MONUMENTAL WAVE OF HORRIBLE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING TO CRYSTAL THROUGHOUT THE BOOK! Anyways, the witch gives them both a soda and they walk off. Crystal's brother makes a loud burp and the book ends with the witch saying the words Pig Pig.

Pretty much me after finishing this book.

 If I didn't make myself clear with that whole shpiel, I give this book a whopping ZERO OUT OF 10 WELL-WRITTEN BOOKS! The story is all over the place, the characters have no personality, there were NO elements of horror in it at all, and why RL Stine, WHY WOULD YOU WRITE AN ENTIRE BOOK ABOUT A GIRL WHO GETS RELENTLESSLY RIDICULED BY HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHEN SHE OBVIOUSLY NEEDS TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL OR SOMETHING?! *SCREAMS* 

There are no words to describe this book, well actually, there are.  26 to be exact, and here they are, in alphabetical order.

A is for Appalling, as in this book's moral choices are appalling.

B is for Benadryl, which is what RL Stine must have been eating by the poundfuls while writing this book.

C is for Cancer, as in this book gave me cancer.

D is for Devil, as in this book is literally the Devil.

E is for Evil, as in the man who published this book and sold it to children for $4 a copy is completely evil.

F is for Fart. All books have a distinct smell, and I'm pretty sure this one would smell like farts.

G is for GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

H is for Hard, as in this book is hard for me to read without throwing it against the wall.

I is for If, as in If only I had never read this book.

J is for Jockstrap. If this book doesn't smell like farts, as previously stated, then this is the next best thing.

K is for Klan, as in the people in this book are so hateful that they make the Ku Klux Klan look like the Girl Scouts.

L is for Lust, as in this book makes me lust after pretty much any other book.

M is for Mutation, which is what I'm guessing happened to this book's outline halfway through the writing process so RL Stine just took the idea and ran with it.

N is for Nickelback, this book is worse than Nickelback.

O is for Oh PLEASE make a time machine for me so I can go back to before I read this book and stop myself.

P is for Punishment, as in I wouldn't even make someone read this book as punishment.

Q is for Quit, as in this book makes me want to quit living.

R is for Rojo, which is the Spanish word for red, which is the color of blood, because this book makes me want to slice my eyeballs open in a bloody mess in order to get the filth that I just read out of them.

S is for Scary. This book is most definitely not.

T is for Tear, as in if I had this book right now, I would tear it apart at the seam.

U is for Unholy, as in this book is an unholy abomination that deserves to be cast down to the deepest darkest pits of hell.

V is for Vodka, which I'm sure RL Stine's publicist needed a lot of after reading this book for the first time.

W is for Walk, as in this book makes me want to walk into the nearest 4-way intersection during rush hour

X is for Xylophone. There isn't one in this book, but it's still a stupid instrument and this is a stupid book, so...

Y is for Yiff, I'm sure that the furry community will thoroughly enjoy this book and it's absurd amount of animal attributes. HAHA! Alliteration!

And finally, Z is for Zygote. As you all are probably aware, the zygote is one of the developmental stages of the newborn baby's life cycle in the womb. With that being said, after reading this book, I wish I was never born.

So, there you have it, Chicken Chicken. I'm gonna go now because if I talk any more about this giant poopsmear on the underwear that is the Goosebumps series, I am literally going to throw myself off of a bridge. The worst is over, but there is MUCH more bad to come.