Unfriended (2015) Review

SPOILER ALERT: THIS WHOLE REVIEW IS IN CAPS LOCK BECAUSE I'M UPSET AND I NEED TO SHOUT MY WORDS TO CONVEY MY ANGER

THIS MOVIE HAS A 62% ON ROTTENTOMATOES AND THAT IS THE MOST UNDESERVED SCORE I'VE EVER SEEN (BESIDES GRAVITY, BUT I'LL COVER THAT EVENTUALLY I PROMISE). INGENIOUS FILMMAKING MY BUTT. ITS BEING PRAISED AS ONE OF THE MOST ORIGINAL MOVIES EVER BECAUSE SOMEBODY GOT A FREAKING UNREGISTERED HYPERCAM 2 ON THEIR MAC AND RECORDED THE SCREEN FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT CRAP. THIS IS THE MOST UNNECESSARY MOVIE I'VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF SEEING AND I COULD'VE SPENT MY HOUR AND HALF WATCHING SOMETHING OF VALUE BUT NO I HAD TO WATCH UNFREAKINGFRIENDED.

OKAY RIGHT OFF THE BAT, THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A GROUP OF FRIENDS WHO ARE IN A SKYPE CALL AND THERE'S THE GHOST OF A GIRL THEY BULLIED INTO KILLING HERSELF IN THE CALL WITH THEM AND ITS MAKING THEM KILL THEMSELVES AS REVENGE FOR WHAT THEY DID TO HER. THERE. THAT'S THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE. IF THAT SOUNDS STUPID, WELL BUDDY THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS EXTREMELY STUPID AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY. 

EVEN THE SEXY SCENES ARE BAD OH GOD WHY

THE GHOST TELLS THEM THAT IF THEY DON'T FOLLOW HER GAME OR IF THEY LEAVE THE CALL THAT THEY'LL DIE BUT THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE MOVIE, NONE OF THESE IDIOTS EVER THINK TO CALL THEIR PARENTS ABOUT THIS SITUATION WHICH WOULD BE THE SMART THING TO DO. AT FIRST, ONE TRIES TO CALL THE COPS BUT THE GHOST GETS HER BEFORE THE COPS CAN SHOW UP. AND JUST IN CASE THAT PARENT THING DOESN'T WORK OUT (ALL OF THESE KIDS ARE HOME ALONE ON A SCHOOL NIGHT AT LIKE 10PM WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS), YOU COULD, I DUNNO, HARD SHUTDOWN YOUR COMPUTER?! THESE KIDS HAVE PROVEN THAT THEY'RE GOOD WITH TECHNOLOGY, ONE EVEN SENDS A FREAKING TROJAN TO TRY AND GET RID OF THE GHOST, BUT NOBODY THINKS TO HARD SHUTDOWN THEIR COMPUTER SO THEY CAN GET AWAY. ALSO, JUST. WALK. AWAY. FROM. THE. COMPUTER. YEAH, IF YOU LEAVE THE CALL, THE GHOST GETS YOU, BUT THERE'S MULTIPLE TIMES WHERE SOMEONE JUST WALKS INTO ANOTHER ROOM AND THEY'RE JUST FINE. JUST LEAVE. GO TO YOUR NEIGHBORS HOUSE OR SOMETHING. JESUS.

OH THE VIDEO IS LAGGING, THAT'S SCARY RIGHT GUYS?

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART! THIS MOVIE IS BASICALLY JUST TEENAGERS ARGUING AND SHOUTING CURSE WORDS AT EACH OTHER FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF AND SOMETIMES ONE OF THEM DIES. THAT'S LEGIT ALL THAT HAPPENS. IT'S SO BORING. LIKE A BORING EPISODE OF JERRY SPRINGER. SEE, WHAT HAPPENS IS THE SKYPE GHOST GETS THEM ALL TOGETHER AND BEGINS TO TELL THEM AWFUL THINGS THAT THEY'VE DONE TO EACH OTHER SUCH AS CHEATING ON YOUR BOYFRIEND WITH HIS BEST FRIEND AND MAKING A CRAPPY MEME ABOUT IT AND STEALING $800 FROM ANOTHER DUDE AND MAKING ASHLEY DANE (UNRELATED CHARACTER WE NEVER SEE ON SCREEN)GET AN ABORTION AFTER YOU ROOFIED HER AND GOT HER PREGNANT (WUT). BASICALLY THE WHOLE SECOND AND THIRD ACT OF THIS MOVIE IS JUST THESE KIDS CONSTANTLY SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER FOR BEING DOUCHEBAGS AND BOY OH BOY ARE THEY ALL DOUCHEBAGS. EXCEPT FOR THE FAT KID. THE FAT KID IS A PRETTY COOL DUDE. YOU ALRIGHT WITH ME FAT KID. 

REMEMBER WHEN AUGUSTUS GLOOP ATE TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE?

BUT THAT'S. STILL. NOT. EVEN. THE. WORST. PART. ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT. ALL. OF. THAT. THIS MOVIE HAS THE PURE UNMITIGATED GALL TO BE AN UNSCARY JUMPSCARE FEST. THERE IS NO BUILDUP TO ANY OF THESE SCARES. IT'S LITERALLY JUST SILENCE WHILE A WEBCAM IS LOADING AND THE OTHER, NOT-BEING-KILLED KIDS LOOK ON AND THEN BANG! SOMETHING LOUD HAPPENS AND WE SEE ONE OF THE KIDS BEING KILLED. IT HAPPENS 4(!) TIMES IN THIS MOVIE AND IT'S ALL THE SAME EXACT THING EVERY TIME. BUT! THAT'S! NOT! EVEN! THE! WORST! PART! THE END OF THE MOVIE, RIGHT? IT'S REVEALED THAT THE MAIN GIRL WAS THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THE WHOLE RECORDING THAT ONE GIRL AND BEING MEAN TO HER SO SHE'D KILL HERSELF. AND SHE'S THE ONLY ONE LEFT AT THE END. AND THE SKYPE GHOST POSTS A VIDEO TO HER FACEBOOK PAGE WHERE SHE REVEALS THAT SHE WAS THE ONE WHO RECORDED THE SUICIDE GIRL. GOOD ON YA SKYPE GHOST, THAT'LL TEACH HER. SHE'LL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. EXCEPT NO SHE FREAKING WONT BECAUSE RIGHT AFTER THAT HER LAPTOP CLOSES BY ITSELF AND WE GET A SPOOKY FACE GHOST GIRL JUMPING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA AND MAIN GIRL SCREAMING SO LOLNOPE SCREW AN ACTUAL GOOD ENDING, WE'RE GONNA GO FOR A CHEAPO JUMPSCARE TO FINISH THIS TURD.

HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM SINISTER? THAT'S NOT COOL, MOVIE!

SO WAS UNFRIENDED ANY GOOD? OBVIOUSLY FREAKING NOT WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT? IT'S NOT SCARY IN THE SLIGHTEST, THE CHARACTERS ARE JUST ABOUT THE WORST I'VE EVER SEEN, AND IT'S JUST PLAIN BORING. IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHEN A HORROR MOVIE ISN'T SCARY, BUT WHEN I'M SITTING THERE BORED OUT OF MY MIND FOR THE ENTIRETY OF IT, YOU KNOW YOU MESSED UP. THERE IS NOT A SINGLE THING GOOD ABOUT THIS MOVIE. I GIVE UNFRIENDED 1 SKYPE GHOST OUT OF 10. HOLY CRAP THIS WAS BAD. I SUGGEST THAT YOU NEVER EVEN THINK ABOUT WATCHING THIS.

The Boy (2016) Review

Yo, this movie is really dumb. Like, you kinda expect it to be really dumb going into it because it's a spooky doll movie and spooky doll movies don't exactly have the best track record *COUGH ANNABELLE COUGH*, but I tried going into this with an open mind and what that resulted in was me still laughing at how bad this movie was along with the 3, yes 3, other people who were in the theater with me. If this movie does anything well, it brings people together to collectively laugh at it. I give you.....THE BOY

SPOILER WARNING: THE DOLL DOES SOME SPOOKY STUFF

So in this movie, Maggie from the Walking Dead once again is forced to put on an American accent, but this time it's even worse because the movie takes place in freaking England so why? But that nitpick aside, Lauren Cohan plays a girl named Greta who is tasked with babysitting an elderly couple's "son" when they go off on holiday. Spoiler alert: they're not going on holiday, they're actually going to kill themselves by putting heavy rocks in their pockets and willingly walking into the ocean? Like, that's a really bad way of doing that but okay whatever. So their plan is to leave Greta with their son, who if you couldn't figure out is a porcelain doll the size of a regular 8-year old boy. His name is Brahms and boy oh boy is he quite the little troublemaker. See, the real Brahms is dead (wait, no he's not, but more on that later) because of a fire over 20 years ago that his parents started in an attempt to cover up the fact that Brahms was a little brat who bashed a girl's skull in. Anywho, the old couple makes a doll of Brahms so they can have something to take care of and he comes with a set of rules that you have to follow, which are kind of implemented in the movie, but not really until the last act so you kind of forgot about them already. But anyways, this doll is kinda creepy but at the same time, it always has this look on it's face like you just lied to it but it knows you were telling a lie.

Oh really, Felicia? 

Alright, back to the story. Greta gets spooked by the doll moving around while she's not looking and some grocery delivery boy gets involved too and they start doing tests to prove that the doll actually moves while you aren't looking and they celebrate when they finally prove it like freaking scientists just discovering a new species of ant or something. So, there's also this subplot where Greta reveals that she ran away to England to get away from her crazy abusive ex-boyfriend who has been stalking the crap out of her over in the States. So he finds out where she's at in England and he goes there and threatens her so that she'll come back to the US with him and then after all that, that's when the climax of the movie happens. Douchebag boyfriend smashes the Brahms doll and then the house starts shaking and then the real Brahms bursts through the wall and he's a grown adult wearing a turtleneck sweater and a mask of the Brahms doll face. He's super tall and gangly and just really really not scary at all. So they have a nice chase scene through the walls of the house where real Brahms has been living all this time, sometimes coming out to move the doll around, and in the end Greta stabs him with a screwdriver and her and grocery boy get away while douchebag boyfriend gets himself shanked in the neck with a piece of the broken Brahms doll. And just before the credits, we see that Brahms isn't really dead, he survived being stabbed somehow and he's in the walls again, gluing the doll back together. One thing I give this movie credit for: it didn't have a cheap out jumpscare at the end like I expected it to. It's just a slow zoom in on the doll's cracked face. I fully expected real Brahms and his burnt up face to jump in front of the screen during it, but nope. 

Lauren Cohan, upon seeing this movie's RottenTomatoes score

So is this movie any good? Lol nope. Imagine every single horror movie cliche you can think of. There's a good chance that all of those cliches are in this movie. It does nothing original. If you've seen any of the Chucky movies, then you've seen this movie, except this movie is far worse than any of those. The characters are absolutely unbearable; every scene where Greta talks to the grocery boy is just cancer. They have absolutely no chemistry. What makes this worse is the fact that the acting isn't half bad. When good actors are given bad scripts, then it's always a recipe for disaster. The scares are extremely predictable, you see them coming a mile away. She slowly looks at a painting on the wall while music slowly builds? Oh, something's gonna jumpscare through the painting. She slowly approaches the doll and turns it's head to the side? Oh, it's definitely gonna move and do a jumpscare. She's in the wall and then she looks through a crack in the wall and we shift to first person view? Get yourself ready for something to run right in front of her face. This is where this movie fails as a horror movie. You know when literally everything is going to happen. A good horror movie is able to build suspense and give you a scare without you knowing when it's going to happen. I'm not talking about a jumpscare coming out of nowhere like the infamous poptart in the toaster from Silent Hill Revelations, I'm talking about something like the ghost on top of the wardrobe from The Conjuring. An already creepy scene where you're expecting something to happen, but it comes completely out of left field and catches you off guard. That is how you do a proper scare and this movie has no idea how to accomplish that. 

Brahms is also sad about Beth, Maggie. You're not alone.

Alright, should you go see this movie? Probably not. It's really boring and really dumb. You've seen this environment before: it's a spooky house with a dark attic and no cell service and it's prone to thunderstorms. This movie MIGHT be scary if you've never seen a horror movie before but for someone like me, I was super bored. The only thing this movie has to offer is that it is laughably bad. If you see it with a group of people, chances are you'll all find humor in poking fun at it. However, that's literally the only good thing about it. Just save yourself the trouble and never watch this garbage. I give The Boy 2 creepy dolls out of 10. Just don't. 

Creep (2014) Review

Well, this is certainly a nice surprise, isn't it? An actual GOOD horror movie in 2014. 2014 was a weird year for horror movies. On one hand, you had big theater releases that absolutely flopped and did horribly like Annabelle, Ouija, and The Purge sequel. On the other hand, there were some absolutely terrific movies that either got very limited theater time or none at all like The Babadook, The Taking Of Deborah Logan (review incoming, trust me, I love this movie), and Tusk (again, review incoming because I love this movie too). This movie falls into the latter of those two categories, with it only being released on video on demand before becoming available on Netflix earlier in 2015. But enough intro, let's look at a movie that actually surprised me by how good it turned out to be: Creep.

CREEPY SPOILERS AHEAD

This film is directed by and stars Patrick Brice, and considering this is his first movie, I'm incredibly impressed. He used great lighting and cinematography to make a terrific found footage movie that makes most other found footage films look like trash. Most of the time, we don't even see Brice. Mark Duplass is the real star of this movie and man oh man, does he ever do a convincing job in this film. The plot is as follows: Patrick Brice is a freelance cameraman and he answers Mark Duplass' ad on Craigslist, which takes him to Duplass' cabin up in the woods on a big hill. There, Mark wants him to document a few days in his life as he prepares for his inevitable death from cancer. At first it seems pretty normal; Mark takes Patrick on a trip through the woods to a spring and they go to a restaurant for some pancakes. But then things start to get........creepy. Mark starts showing his true colors and Partick has to find some way to get away from him for good. 

Hey buddy, you're not gonna watch The Lazarus Effect are you?

That's all I'm going to divulge because you really need to experience this movie for yourself. Of course, with this being a Blumhouse production, there's bound to be a few cliche jumpscares, but for the most part, those stay in the beginning of the film. The second half of this movie is where things really start to take off. Whether it's the amazing tension that's built scene after scene, using only silence and a mildly lit hallway for atmosphere, Mark Duplass' incredible performance, or the weird, unsettling vibe that comes from Mark Duplass wearing a werewolf mask and calling himself "Peachfuzz The Wolf", this movie definitely delivers on it's namesake. I genuinely felt creeped out on multiple occasions during this film. 

JAZZ HANDS! HA-CHA-CHA-CHAAAAA

What makes this movie great is its ability to get under your skin. There's something so unnerving about Mark Duplass' character and until it's revealed why he's like this, he has this weird mystery to him that just puts you on edge. Something doesn't sit right with you from the moment you first lay eyes on him. Combine that with the incredible cinematography and lighting techniques used and you've got yourself one great horror film. The only nitpick that I have is that it did feel a little bit long. There's a third act to this movie when you don't expect there to be one and while that's where most of the best scenes happen, it does feel a bit out of place and unnecessary. 

All in all, Creep is an excellent horror film and if this movie is anything to go off of, I'm definitely looking forward to Patrick Brice's next films. He directed another film in 2015 called The Overnight that I've heard many good things about. Maybe I'll check it out someday. I give Creep 8 weird wolf masks out of 10. If you've got Netflix and you like being creeped out, definitely go check it out. 

Apollo 18 (2011) Review

I'd just like to say before I start this review that the entire time while I was watching this movie, THE ENTIRE TIME, all I could think about was that "if two guys were on the moon and one killed the other with a rock would that be fucked up or what" meme. It may have ruined the immersion of the movie for me, but whatever, I love that meme to death. It's a real thinker. Just imagine. Two guys on the moon and one kills the other with a rock. Would that be fucked up or what? Like seriously. Anyway, this is Apollo 18.

SPOILER ALERT! IN SPACE! WITH ALIENS!

HOLY CRAP IT"S ANOTHER FOUND FOOTAGE MOVIE WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END

So basically, these two dudes go into space and they land on the moon and plant some machines to try and mess with whatever it is the Russians are doing on the moon because the US found out that Russians went to the moon and did some stuff on it. Then some aliens come out and that's about it. No, really. That's the whole movie. Really boring, right? Ehhhh, only a little bit. 

The aliens in this movie aren't your traditional "little green men", nor are they terrifying abominations with sickle arms and tentacle mouths. They are little itty bitty buggy type things that disguise themselves as moon rocks to get close to their prey. That's.....actually kinda clever. Props, writers. 

So, how this movie goes is that the two astronauts collect what they think are moon rocks the first day, and some of those rocks turn out to be aliens. They find a dead Russian cosmonaut in a crater and a Russian moon lander and then later one of the astronauts (we'll call him Jim) sees a little spider thing crawling inside of his helmet and when they get back to their lander, everything's fine. 

A bit later on, Jim starts experiencing paranoia and starts to go crazy in the lander and when the other astronaut (we'll call him John) examines him, he cuts a moon rock out of Jim's arm. BUT IT WASN'T A MOON ROCK IT WAS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE PARASITIC ALIENS THAT LOOK LIKE MOON ROCKS OOOOOHHHHHH SPOOPS! 

Anywho, Jim and John finally figure out that the aliens are little bugs that look like moon rocks and they're whats causing Jim to go nuts. They try to escape in their pod but surprise surprise, it's broken. They then try to go to the Russian pod, but Jim gets pulled into a crater by an alien. John makes it to the Russian pod and manages to take off right as a fully-alien-controlled Jim is about to break into the ship. Oh yeah, Jim's head explodes here too and it's pretty neato. 

John radios to the closest manned station, but they think that he's infected with moon bugs as well, so they say that they can't let him on. At this point, everything goes bad. Since this is a found footage movie, we have to find some way of killing off the main character. Sooooooo let's have the gravity shut off and then have that reveal that there were moon rock bugs on the ship the whole time and they'll float up into the air and all swarm onto John at once, resulting in nobody being able to control the pod and it crashing into the space station, killing everyone on board as well. Cut to pre-mission footage of Jim having a barbecue with his earth family and that's a wrap folks! 

 

Alright, so what did I think of Blair Witch In Space-errrr Apollo 18? Honestly, the found footage really made this movie incredibly boring. I think if it was shot like a traditional movie instead of the found footage, then it would have been a much more enjoyable film. The acting is okay, nothing spectacular and also nothing to awful. It does suffer a bit from shaky cam syndrome, but that's to be expected considering it's a found footage film. Honestly, this movie had a lot of potential to be a thrilling, suspenseful movie. It just didn't have the right delivery or pacing for it. Everything felt a bit rushed, which I blame the lack of plot for. The astronauts literally finish their mission in the first 20 minutes and are about to go home when all of the alien stuff starts happening. This could have easily been a short film with a mild alien chase scene as the climax and it would have worked a lot better. Some of the effects are neat and I really liked the overall design and concept of the aliens. However, style points only go so far and it's not enough to save this movie from being the snoozefest that it is. I give Apollo 18 4 guys being killed on the moon with a rock out of 10. It's worth at least one watch for the cool aliens, but you'll likely immediately forget about it afterwards. 

Shrooms (2007) Review

Guys, please listen to me. I wanna preface this review by giving everybody out there a message. Drugs are bad, mmmkay? Don't do drugs. Chances are, your experience on drugs will be miles better than this movie, but still, don't do drugs. Just throwin that out there. Tryin to be a good role model and such. Anyway, this is Shrooms, a movie that I'm sure everybody in the stoner community was excited for but very disappointed by.

LIKE, ZOINKS SCOOB! THERE'S SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW!

Alrighty, how on earth do I even begin to talk about this movie? Well, for starters, it's a stoner movie. That much should have been obvious based on the title. How do you make psychedelic mushrooms scary, you ask? Well, for starters, you invent a new type of mushroom specifically for your movie that is (very) loosely based off of the real life "death cap" mushroom, which is fatal when ingested. This movie's death mushroom is basically the same as that except with a black lump on top which exists purely for the idiot cast of this movie to make nipple jokes about. 

Don't you understand, Sarah? The ones with the nipples are POISON!

Speaking of the cast of this movie, they're all Irish. Well, not all of them. Only one of them is Irish in the movie, but the entire film was made in Ireland with Irish actors putting on bad fake American accents. The plot of this movie is pretty simple: a bunch of stupid college kids go to a remote section of the woods in Ireland with a local guide, looking for the ultimate mushroom high. In these woods, they encounter a bunch of creepy stuff like backwoods inbreds, a guy with an axe, a feral boy, and a creepy lady in the water. OR DID THEY?! OR WAS IT ALL A HALLUCINATION FROM THE SHROOMS(TM)?! 

See the nipples, dude? That means it's poison. Stay away from the nipples. 

Okay, so basically these characters who I'm sure had names but I've forgotten all of them, go into the woods and the local guide tells them ghost stories about grizzly murders that happened in this area. This freaks out a few of the college kids and leads into our main villain of this movie: actual incarnations of the monsters and killers from the ghost stories. I'm not even joking. 

But here's where things start to get interesting. Alright, are you following me here? I'm about to drop some knowledge on you. Two of the characters are just Jay and Silent Bob, but with different names. MIND BLOWN, RIGHT?! Seriously, one of them is a skinny guy with long blonde hair who never takes off his beanie, and the other is a kinda fat-ish guy with a backwards cap who barely ever talks, that is until his shroom tripping scene, which might I say is THE BEST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. 

Let's divulge into a critical analysis of Silent Bob's freakout scene, shall we? So Silent Bob has a freakout on shrooms late at night and he sees a really pretty girl running into the woods. So, being the college horndog that he is, Silent Bob chases her into the woods armed with only his boxer shorts and his quick wit. He follows her for a while before coming across the best character in the whole movie and quite possibly the best character of modern cinema, THE COW. Yessir, Silent Bob finds a cow just chillin' in the middle of the woods. And best of all? THIS COW CAN TALK! Oh, you expected it to just be a regular old cow that does nothing? NO SIR THIS COW IS MAGIC, SON! To quote the talking cow directly, "That's right. A fucking cow that can fucking talk." Silent Bob has a nice discussion with Madame Cowsley (that's what I named her because she didn't have a name in the credits) before finding a car that is shaking. Now, Irish man had told the group before about people who would drive their cars out into the middle of the woods to "get intimate" inside and if you happened to come across this car, you could roll down the window and stick your willy wong in and get a little slurpy slurp if you catch my drift. Now, Silent Bob sees his opportunity to get his tallywhacker polished and he whips it out and sticks it right on in. After a few seconds of niceness, it's all ruined when the woman inside brings teeth into the equation. Silent Bob's trouser snake is bitten clean off and he falls over on the ground dead. Might I also remind you that this is the first death in the movie, so it's an accurate representation of the silliness to come. 

Hey bud, you gonna eat that grass? (STONER HUMOR, STONERS, THATS YOUR CUE TO LAUGH)

Okay, with that little detour out of the way, how's the rest of the movie? 

Turns out that the one killing all of the kids was just one of their own, on a very good high from the death nipple shroom that caused her to go on a murderous rampage. Yep. Everything spooky in the movie was all the kids hallucinating as that one girl killed them all. She's the only survivor after it's all over so naturally, as she's being airlifted out, she kills the paramedic in the helicopter and slams against the window in a jumpscare because you have to know that she's the killer, don't you? 

That's it. That's the movie. It's really really boring besides that cow bit and at their best, the actors are still absolutely unbearable. This movie had a lot of potential because they could have done a lot with the hallucination stuff. You know, made it a lot more psychadelic kind of scary, like introduced the supernatural into it more than they did. The setting was pretty weird as well. It was like a woods setting one second, and then inside of a school, and then in a clear swamp that goes on for miles. This area is just every area in a horror movie ever. 

Overall, Shrooms is a movie that tries very hard to please its target audience and I didn't watch this movie stoned, but if I did, I imagine that I'd be just as bored, if not more bored. It's just......not very good. I give this movie 2 death nipple mushrooms out of 10. Just don't waste your time, even if you're high. 

Dude, same.

The Blair Witch Project (1999) Review

Known as the pioneer of the "found footage" horror genre (even though Cannibal Holocaust did it almost 15 years before this movie), The Blair Witch Project is hailed as a masterpiece of horror among horror buffs and movie fans in general. But does it hold up today, over 15 years later? Probably. Let's take a look at.......The Blair Witch Project.

SPOILERS ALL AROUND! THERE'S PLENTY FOR EVERYONE! HELP YOURSELVES!

I should let you guys know something. Even though I consider myself a horror fan, I didn't see this film until about a month ago. It was always on my "horror bucket list", but I just could never find the time or patience to sit through it until recently. I'd heard wonderful things about it, how it "makes Paranormal Activity look like a joke" (even though Paranormal Activity is already a joke, amirite?), how it's "one of the best movies I've ever seen", and how it "scared the bejeezus out of" my mother and tons of other people. I finally sat down and watched it, and I gotta say.....it's okay, I guess. 

You all know the plot: 3 college kids go into the woods that are supposedly haunted by the spirit of a witch, armed only with a camera, a map, and almost as much sexual tension as Mulder and Scully. They're making a documentary on the area and the myths surrounding the haunted woods. The locals urge them not to go into the woods at night, but you know those darn young'uns, they just don't listen. They go into the woods, spend the majority of the daytime bickering amongst each other, and at night, some spooky stuff happens. That's about it. 

I knew I should've brought more weed, dude....

A major selling point of this film was that this "found footage" thing hadn't been done before (at least in a big theatrical release like this), and as such, the advertising for this film was based on a pure lie told by the production company. The audience was told that the events of the movie actually happened and the three main characters had actually gone missing in the woods. There were all kinds of missing person posters slapped around towns and fake reports put out in the news and junk like that. At least, that's what I've heard. I was a measly 5 years old when this movie came out, so I was obviously more interested in Power Rangers and didn't have time to care about missing people. I think that's why I find this movie a little bit lackluster compared to other people; I wasn't there to witness this film's impact: the masses of people who fell for this publicity stunt and actually thought that these characters were missing. I mean, they went all out: they didn't name the characters and instead used the actors' real names, plus there were no actors listed in the credits. However, I bet all those people who thought they actually died were feeling a little dumb when they saw a little movie from 2007 called The Morgue and said to themselves "Hey, isn't that the girl from Blair Witch? I thought she died! What's she doing here?!" Anyway, this movie proves that advertising is one of the most important aspects that determine how well a movie does in the box office. 

Missing: Three hippie art school students. If found, please do not return. 

So aside from the great publicity that was generated for this movie, what else is there that made it stand out to the average horror viewer in 1999? Well, for one, it's actually really really creepy. Whenever anyone asks me how to properly make a creepy atmosphere in a horror movie, I always point them to the night scenes from Blair Witch. At first, there's not much happening at night: a few birds chirping, maybe a twig snapping, usual nature stuff. Then, they piss off the witch and crap hits the fan. They start waking up to find "presents" in front of their tents: a little doll made out of straw, some rocks in a formation, and a freaking bloody tooth wrapped in cloth. On top of that, the night noises start becoming increasingly more violent. You start to hear low growls, much bigger sticks snapping, large footsteps, and one night, the characters are even confronted by the witch (supposedly, the witch is never actually shown on screen) and chased through the woods. Now, you expect the witch to look like a generic female ghost-y type thing, right? WRONG. 

DEMON MONSTER FROM HELL! This is the "official" Blair Witch action figure, btw.

All this creepiness culminates in one of the friends going missing, and the other two kids go looking for him and eventually find him in the Blair Witch's house, which has a deep mythos surrounding it, which I'm not gonna go into here because it's a really long explanation. Anyway, they find him standing by himself in the corner of a room, not saying anything, which is also part of the mythos, but if you wanna hear about that, go look it up, and the girl says "Josh?" and we cut to black. That's all, folks!

So, what did I think of The Blair Witch Project, one of the most well-respected horror movies of all time? Honestly, I thought it was just above average. It's nothing special, but it's certainly the best found footage movie I've ever seen. Most of it is pretty good: the aforementioned atmosphere, the story is good, and it's very well-paced. The main problem I have with this movie is the same problem I have with all the Paranormal Activity movies (which I'll get to reviewing eventually, trust me). This is the part where you say "But Synester, how on earth can you compare Blair Witch to something like Paranormal Activity?!". And to you, I say: the daytime. The daytime scenes are what makes me not like this movie as much as others. Everything about the daytime scenes is just extremely boring to watch, just like in Paranormal Activity. Literally nothing happens except the characters arguing about which way to go through the woods and maybe a little bit of the mythos is explained. Other than that, NOTHING happens during the day, which takes up about 40% of the entire film! Boring filler like that just kills the mood of your movie and makes the audience hope for something exciting to happen, which good thing it did happen in this film or else I would've been super pissed. Overall though, this movie is pretty good and I completely understand why it has the giant following and reputation that it has. I give The Blair Witch Project 7 shaky handicams out of 10. I'd say definitely watch it once, just to experience the phenomenon for yourself. 

*sniffle* This is stupid. Jimmy started it and I'm the one in time out. *sniffle*

Carrie (2013) Review

I dedicate this review to my fellow reviewer (not horror) friend, Jaimie, who is the one person I know who got pissed off at this movie even more than I did, and that's saying a lot cuz boy oh boy did this one suck absolute donkey testicles. This one's gonna be a long one, folks. Lots of crap for me to vent about. Grab some popcorn and enjoy the ride. This is........Carrie......the new one....

SPOILERS AHEAD! UNLESS YOU'RE JAIMIE, IN WHICH CASE YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS TRASH PILE OF A MOVIE

Oh man, where do I even begin? There's just so much wrong with this movie. So many things to discuss, so many inconsistencies and major changes to gripe about. So many comparisons to the original, superior in every single way 1976 Carrie to make. Let's just start from the beginning I guess.

For starters, the main actresses have obviously been changed since Sissy Spacek is too old to play Carrie and Piper Laurie is too old to play Carrie's mother. Now, book Carrie is ugly, acne-ridden, and very overweight, so the logical thing would be to cast someone who can fit those characteristics to an extent (makeup and CG helps a little with that) and still do a good job acting. One actress who comes to my mind as perfect for the role is Gabourey Sidibe, the girl who played Precious. If the casting manager had chosen her, you'd have knocked out the "it's not book accurate" rant I'm about to slam your way, as well as winning over the Tumblr nerds by casting a black female in the role that was previously held by a white girl. They love that kind of stuff; shows you don't care about what color the protagonist is, as long as they get the job done well. 

A-HEM

Anyway, instead of doing something cool like that, they cast Chloe Grace-Moretz, who is not only not overweight, but is also one of the most beautiful actresses I've ever seen. WHERE IS THE LOGIC?! The part of Carrie's mother is played by Julianne Moore, who just so happens to be my all-time favorite actress. This is a much more fitting casting choice, although I can't help but think that Sigourney Weaver could've done it better. However, both Julianne and Chloe are incredibly talented actresses and they manage to take a little bit of the pain away with their performances. But that's the ONLY thing that's redeeming about this film. Everything, and yes, I mean EVERYTHING else is 100%, farm fresh, unfiltered cow butt. Let's jump into the plot.

There's some stupid prologue thing that shows Julianne Moore giving birth to Carrie and she portrays the character very well, cursing God for placing this burden upon her. This doesn't last long and it accomplishes nothing. MOVING ON!

We start off with the real intro scene in the locker room, just like the original movie, but hold onto your horses folks because not even 10 minutes into this thing yet and we already screwed up big time. Remember in the original film when Carrie gets her first period and freaks out and then all the other girls throw tampons at her and that's about all that happens? Yeah, that happens in this one too, but to further insult the audience members who haven't seen the original, Carrie reveals her psychic powers in the freaking intro scene and starts moving the tampons on the floor away from her and then she screams and a light above her breaks. Good stuff. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Since this movie was made in 2013, we have to involve technology because kids these days are always on those darn cellular telephones. One of the girls takes out her phone and starts filming Carrie with the tampons being thrown at her. 

Gotta love forced cyberbullying subplots

Here's where the movie makes it's first mistake: revealing Carrie's powers almost immediately. In the original film, Carrie barely ever used her powers at all until the prom climax and even when she did, it was very very subtle, leaving the audience wondering what the full extent of what she can do it. In this remake, you see her blow up a lamp in the first 10 minutes, so if you're new to the whole "Carrie" thing, you're naturally gonna assume that if she can blow up a lamp, she can blow up someone's head. They take all of the mystery and intrigue of watching Carrie's powers slowly but steadily grow and just chuck it out the window. 

So, continuing on, Carrie goes home and her mom yells at her like you expect her to, but here's a surprise: Carrie yells back. That's right, that shy, sheltered, scared of everything involving her mother girl you knew in the original film is dead and an angry Chloe Grace-Moretz has overtaken her body, complete with lousy character writing. Carrie is supposed to reluctantly stand there mumbling "Yes mama" over and over again until her mother eventually slaps her and sends her to her room. That's just how it's supposed to go. Carrie is not supposed to freak out and scream at her mother, threatening to kill her with her psychic powers. They took a character and just completely flip flopped how they act in one of the most crucial scenes in the movie! Whyyyyyyy? Also, Carrie's mom slits her wrists when she gets sad because screw movie continuity, we need that gross out factor.

Enter the other characters of the movie. You have Sue Snell, played by No Career After This Movie Girl, Billy Nolan, played by Not John Travolta, Chris Hargensen, played by Pretty Blonde Girl, Miss Collins the gym teacher, played by Who Even Cares, and Tommy Ross, played by Augustus Waters from The Fault In Our Stars. Something tells me that they tried to get Chris Hemsworth to play Billy Nolan because he definitely fits the studly jock stereotype, but I think Chris Hemsworth knew better than to take a movie as dumb as this. Plus, he was already probably doing Cabin In The Woods, which is Citizen freaking Kane compared to this movie.

If you think these characters are gonna be interesting or well-developed, guess again nerd, they're exactly the kind of washed-up, only-there-to-advance-the-plot nothings that modern horror movies like this just love.

So nothing else happens before the prom finale except for Carrie and Augustus Waters getting kinda close and Carrie using her psychic powers every 5 seconds because kids these days are too stupid to understand subtlety and they need the fact that Carrie is psychic to be shoved in their face or they'll get bored with the movie. At this point in the movie, Carrie has advanced her powers from blowing up a lamp and a water cooler to levitating her bed with her on it and spinning books around her like a freaking Kadabra. Blah blah blah, is it time for the pig blood yet?

Actually yes, let's move onto the prom finale, the only thing people who saw the first movie watched the remake for. I watched this remake hoping that all the crap that led up to the prom finale would be forgotten with a massively upgraded prom killing spree, showing how far special effects have come since 1976. What I got was a massively ridiculous gorefest that doesn't hit nearly as hard as it did in the original because you freaking revealed Carrie's full power at the start of the movie and didn't stop showing her using it until this point you freaking idiots. Oh yeah, remember that cyberbullying subplot from the start of the movie? Well, that comes full circle here in the worst possible way. They do the unthinkable. They add insult to injury. They freaking show the cell phone video of Carrie getting bullied in the locker room while she's on stage, right before the pig blood gets dumped on her. Totally, 100%, unequivocally, by all means of the word, UNNECESSARY. 

The killing spree is kind of impressive, but then again, no it's really not. One thing I really hated about is is the music choice. Instead of silence accompanied by a few shrill violin shrieks, they put in a crappy orchestral piece that just kinda sits there while the scene happens around it. Honestly, you kind of forget there's music at all about 30 seconds in. It's really dumb and I don't like it. A few people burn to death, a few people get electrocuted, two twin girls who didn't do anything for the whole movie but apparently they were villains since they hung around Chris got trampled to death and I felt sad for them because they could've done so much more and their death could've actually meant something, Carrie force chokes the gym teacher, like literally picks her up with her psychic powers by the neck and reaches her hand out and chokes her to death like Darth freaking Vader, and a bunch of other stuff happens too, but I don't remember all of it because it really really sucked. But that all pales in comparison to when Chris and Billy chase Carrie in their car outside of the school. Remember in the original movie when they tried to run her over, but Carrie flipped the car like a boss and it was really cool and not at all silly? None of that here. Guess what? Carrie sees the car coming for her and the STOMPS THE GROUND IN FRONT OF HER AND CAUSES AN EARTHQUAKE.

Hmmm, I wonder where they could've stolen-err "gotten inspired by" that idea from?

However, an earthquake is no big deal for cool driver guy Billy, as he just swerves around the cracks. When they've passed the freaking psychic earthquake (God, I can't believe I just said that), Billy and Chris continue to try to run over Carrie, only this time, Carrie just put her arm out in front of her and makes like an invisible wall or something and the front of the car gets crushed and since Billy wasn't wearing a seatbelt, he goes headfirst into the dashboard, most likely killing him. Remember kids, not wearing your seatbelt might make you look like a cool kid, but if a revenge-driven psychic girl comes and causes an earthquake in front of your car by stomping the ground, you're screwed. After Billy (probably) dies, Chris remains in the car, battered, but not dead yet. Carrie takes full advantage of this situation by using her psychic powers to pick up the car. Then, seeing that Chris is flooring the gas pedal, Carrie makes the wise decision to throw the car at a gas station that's like 20 feet away from her. As expected, an explosion that should have been a whole lot bigger and killed Carrie as well only kills Chris and Carrie seriously pulls a Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions walk as the rest of the station blows up. 

Jazz Hands! Ha-cha-cha-chaaaa!

The prom climax is over and half of the people in the theater have left. What's left? Oh yeah, the mother murder! Are they gonna stay true to the book and have Carrie use her powers to stop her mother's heart or are they gonna copy the movie exactly and just leave it with a simple knife to the heart? Kind of in the middle of those two. Carrie takes a bunch of scissors and knives and impales her mother to the wall with them, but it's cool and different and ironic this time since she put some knives in her hands and feet so her mother looks like Jesus crucified on the cross. It's kinda dumb, I know, but I appreciate the effort they put in to making it a cool ironic death. I bet a few people clapped in the theater. 

After that ordeal, freaking Sue Snell comes by and sees Carrie and her dead mother. Sue tries talking to her, but Carrie just force chokes her. Carrie lets Sue go for some reason and she runs away just in time to see the house CGI itself apart. Then the big twist that isn't a big twist if you read the book comes and Sue Snell is preggers. Yyyyaaaayyyy???? Nobody cares??? Just get to the credits so I can get out of this theater and demand a refund?????

So yeah, that's the 2013 Carrie remake. It sucked. It really sucked. It just didn't need to be made. Like, at all. They could've just left the original movie alone and had The Rage: Carrie 2 be the only blemish on an otherwise great book adaptation. Now there's two ginormous zits on the beautiful face of Steven King's Carrie. Honestly, this movie is an insult to the original. Everything the 76 version did right, this movie did wrong, and everything the 76 version did wrong, this movie did worse. I'm still super pissed off that they reveal Carrie's powers in full within 10 minutes of the start. That's just like an insult to the audience, like you think they're too stupid to appreciate the subtle build up of power that the original did so well. The only thing redeeming about this film is the acting by Chloe Grace-Moretz and Julianne Moore, which is saying a lot because they really make something out of nothing with this godawful script. If you've seen the original Carrie, you probably had reasonable doubts about this remake and if you still haven't seen this movie, I advise you to keep having not seen it. Forever. This movie didn't deserve to see the light of day and it should have been scrapped with Texas Chainsaw 2013. STOP MAKING CRAPPY CONTINUATIONS/REMAKES OF GOOD HORROR MOVIES, PEOPLE! I give Carrie 2013 ONE psychic earthquake out of 10. Like I said, the only decent thing here is two actresses trying to make the best out of a garbage script. Never see this movie. Just don't do it. 

You know you messed up when Dave Grohl can pay homage to the movie you're remaking better than you can.