The Blair Witch Project (1999) Review

Known as the pioneer of the "found footage" horror genre (even though Cannibal Holocaust did it almost 15 years before this movie), The Blair Witch Project is hailed as a masterpiece of horror among horror buffs and movie fans in general. But does it hold up today, over 15 years later? Probably. Let's take a look at.......The Blair Witch Project.

SPOILERS ALL AROUND! THERE'S PLENTY FOR EVERYONE! HELP YOURSELVES!

I should let you guys know something. Even though I consider myself a horror fan, I didn't see this film until about a month ago. It was always on my "horror bucket list", but I just could never find the time or patience to sit through it until recently. I'd heard wonderful things about it, how it "makes Paranormal Activity look like a joke" (even though Paranormal Activity is already a joke, amirite?), how it's "one of the best movies I've ever seen", and how it "scared the bejeezus out of" my mother and tons of other people. I finally sat down and watched it, and I gotta say.....it's okay, I guess. 

You all know the plot: 3 college kids go into the woods that are supposedly haunted by the spirit of a witch, armed only with a camera, a map, and almost as much sexual tension as Mulder and Scully. They're making a documentary on the area and the myths surrounding the haunted woods. The locals urge them not to go into the woods at night, but you know those darn young'uns, they just don't listen. They go into the woods, spend the majority of the daytime bickering amongst each other, and at night, some spooky stuff happens. That's about it. 

I knew I should've brought more weed, dude....

A major selling point of this film was that this "found footage" thing hadn't been done before (at least in a big theatrical release like this), and as such, the advertising for this film was based on a pure lie told by the production company. The audience was told that the events of the movie actually happened and the three main characters had actually gone missing in the woods. There were all kinds of missing person posters slapped around towns and fake reports put out in the news and junk like that. At least, that's what I've heard. I was a measly 5 years old when this movie came out, so I was obviously more interested in Power Rangers and didn't have time to care about missing people. I think that's why I find this movie a little bit lackluster compared to other people; I wasn't there to witness this film's impact: the masses of people who fell for this publicity stunt and actually thought that these characters were missing. I mean, they went all out: they didn't name the characters and instead used the actors' real names, plus there were no actors listed in the credits. However, I bet all those people who thought they actually died were feeling a little dumb when they saw a little movie from 2007 called The Morgue and said to themselves "Hey, isn't that the girl from Blair Witch? I thought she died! What's she doing here?!" Anyway, this movie proves that advertising is one of the most important aspects that determine how well a movie does in the box office. 

Missing: Three hippie art school students. If found, please do not return. 

So aside from the great publicity that was generated for this movie, what else is there that made it stand out to the average horror viewer in 1999? Well, for one, it's actually really really creepy. Whenever anyone asks me how to properly make a creepy atmosphere in a horror movie, I always point them to the night scenes from Blair Witch. At first, there's not much happening at night: a few birds chirping, maybe a twig snapping, usual nature stuff. Then, they piss off the witch and crap hits the fan. They start waking up to find "presents" in front of their tents: a little doll made out of straw, some rocks in a formation, and a freaking bloody tooth wrapped in cloth. On top of that, the night noises start becoming increasingly more violent. You start to hear low growls, much bigger sticks snapping, large footsteps, and one night, the characters are even confronted by the witch (supposedly, the witch is never actually shown on screen) and chased through the woods. Now, you expect the witch to look like a generic female ghost-y type thing, right? WRONG. 

DEMON MONSTER FROM HELL! This is the "official" Blair Witch action figure, btw.

All this creepiness culminates in one of the friends going missing, and the other two kids go looking for him and eventually find him in the Blair Witch's house, which has a deep mythos surrounding it, which I'm not gonna go into here because it's a really long explanation. Anyway, they find him standing by himself in the corner of a room, not saying anything, which is also part of the mythos, but if you wanna hear about that, go look it up, and the girl says "Josh?" and we cut to black. That's all, folks!

So, what did I think of The Blair Witch Project, one of the most well-respected horror movies of all time? Honestly, I thought it was just above average. It's nothing special, but it's certainly the best found footage movie I've ever seen. Most of it is pretty good: the aforementioned atmosphere, the story is good, and it's very well-paced. The main problem I have with this movie is the same problem I have with all the Paranormal Activity movies (which I'll get to reviewing eventually, trust me). This is the part where you say "But Synester, how on earth can you compare Blair Witch to something like Paranormal Activity?!". And to you, I say: the daytime. The daytime scenes are what makes me not like this movie as much as others. Everything about the daytime scenes is just extremely boring to watch, just like in Paranormal Activity. Literally nothing happens except the characters arguing about which way to go through the woods and maybe a little bit of the mythos is explained. Other than that, NOTHING happens during the day, which takes up about 40% of the entire film! Boring filler like that just kills the mood of your movie and makes the audience hope for something exciting to happen, which good thing it did happen in this film or else I would've been super pissed. Overall though, this movie is pretty good and I completely understand why it has the giant following and reputation that it has. I give The Blair Witch Project 7 shaky handicams out of 10. I'd say definitely watch it once, just to experience the phenomenon for yourself. 

*sniffle* This is stupid. Jimmy started it and I'm the one in time out. *sniffle*

Carrie (2013) Review

I dedicate this review to my fellow reviewer (not horror) friend, Jaimie, who is the one person I know who got pissed off at this movie even more than I did, and that's saying a lot cuz boy oh boy did this one suck absolute donkey testicles. This one's gonna be a long one, folks. Lots of crap for me to vent about. Grab some popcorn and enjoy the ride. This is........Carrie......the new one....

SPOILERS AHEAD! UNLESS YOU'RE JAIMIE, IN WHICH CASE YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS TRASH PILE OF A MOVIE

Oh man, where do I even begin? There's just so much wrong with this movie. So many things to discuss, so many inconsistencies and major changes to gripe about. So many comparisons to the original, superior in every single way 1976 Carrie to make. Let's just start from the beginning I guess.

For starters, the main actresses have obviously been changed since Sissy Spacek is too old to play Carrie and Piper Laurie is too old to play Carrie's mother. Now, book Carrie is ugly, acne-ridden, and very overweight, so the logical thing would be to cast someone who can fit those characteristics to an extent (makeup and CG helps a little with that) and still do a good job acting. One actress who comes to my mind as perfect for the role is Gabourey Sidibe, the girl who played Precious. If the casting manager had chosen her, you'd have knocked out the "it's not book accurate" rant I'm about to slam your way, as well as winning over the Tumblr nerds by casting a black female in the role that was previously held by a white girl. They love that kind of stuff; shows you don't care about what color the protagonist is, as long as they get the job done well. 

A-HEM

Anyway, instead of doing something cool like that, they cast Chloe Grace-Moretz, who is not only not overweight, but is also one of the most beautiful actresses I've ever seen. WHERE IS THE LOGIC?! The part of Carrie's mother is played by Julianne Moore, who just so happens to be my all-time favorite actress. This is a much more fitting casting choice, although I can't help but think that Sigourney Weaver could've done it better. However, both Julianne and Chloe are incredibly talented actresses and they manage to take a little bit of the pain away with their performances. But that's the ONLY thing that's redeeming about this film. Everything, and yes, I mean EVERYTHING else is 100%, farm fresh, unfiltered cow butt. Let's jump into the plot.

There's some stupid prologue thing that shows Julianne Moore giving birth to Carrie and she portrays the character very well, cursing God for placing this burden upon her. This doesn't last long and it accomplishes nothing. MOVING ON!

We start off with the real intro scene in the locker room, just like the original movie, but hold onto your horses folks because not even 10 minutes into this thing yet and we already screwed up big time. Remember in the original film when Carrie gets her first period and freaks out and then all the other girls throw tampons at her and that's about all that happens? Yeah, that happens in this one too, but to further insult the audience members who haven't seen the original, Carrie reveals her psychic powers in the freaking intro scene and starts moving the tampons on the floor away from her and then she screams and a light above her breaks. Good stuff. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Since this movie was made in 2013, we have to involve technology because kids these days are always on those darn cellular telephones. One of the girls takes out her phone and starts filming Carrie with the tampons being thrown at her. 

Gotta love forced cyberbullying subplots

Here's where the movie makes it's first mistake: revealing Carrie's powers almost immediately. In the original film, Carrie barely ever used her powers at all until the prom climax and even when she did, it was very very subtle, leaving the audience wondering what the full extent of what she can do it. In this remake, you see her blow up a lamp in the first 10 minutes, so if you're new to the whole "Carrie" thing, you're naturally gonna assume that if she can blow up a lamp, she can blow up someone's head. They take all of the mystery and intrigue of watching Carrie's powers slowly but steadily grow and just chuck it out the window. 

So, continuing on, Carrie goes home and her mom yells at her like you expect her to, but here's a surprise: Carrie yells back. That's right, that shy, sheltered, scared of everything involving her mother girl you knew in the original film is dead and an angry Chloe Grace-Moretz has overtaken her body, complete with lousy character writing. Carrie is supposed to reluctantly stand there mumbling "Yes mama" over and over again until her mother eventually slaps her and sends her to her room. That's just how it's supposed to go. Carrie is not supposed to freak out and scream at her mother, threatening to kill her with her psychic powers. They took a character and just completely flip flopped how they act in one of the most crucial scenes in the movie! Whyyyyyyy? Also, Carrie's mom slits her wrists when she gets sad because screw movie continuity, we need that gross out factor.

Enter the other characters of the movie. You have Sue Snell, played by No Career After This Movie Girl, Billy Nolan, played by Not John Travolta, Chris Hargensen, played by Pretty Blonde Girl, Miss Collins the gym teacher, played by Who Even Cares, and Tommy Ross, played by Augustus Waters from The Fault In Our Stars. Something tells me that they tried to get Chris Hemsworth to play Billy Nolan because he definitely fits the studly jock stereotype, but I think Chris Hemsworth knew better than to take a movie as dumb as this. Plus, he was already probably doing Cabin In The Woods, which is Citizen freaking Kane compared to this movie.

If you think these characters are gonna be interesting or well-developed, guess again nerd, they're exactly the kind of washed-up, only-there-to-advance-the-plot nothings that modern horror movies like this just love.

So nothing else happens before the prom finale except for Carrie and Augustus Waters getting kinda close and Carrie using her psychic powers every 5 seconds because kids these days are too stupid to understand subtlety and they need the fact that Carrie is psychic to be shoved in their face or they'll get bored with the movie. At this point in the movie, Carrie has advanced her powers from blowing up a lamp and a water cooler to levitating her bed with her on it and spinning books around her like a freaking Kadabra. Blah blah blah, is it time for the pig blood yet?

Actually yes, let's move onto the prom finale, the only thing people who saw the first movie watched the remake for. I watched this remake hoping that all the crap that led up to the prom finale would be forgotten with a massively upgraded prom killing spree, showing how far special effects have come since 1976. What I got was a massively ridiculous gorefest that doesn't hit nearly as hard as it did in the original because you freaking revealed Carrie's full power at the start of the movie and didn't stop showing her using it until this point you freaking idiots. Oh yeah, remember that cyberbullying subplot from the start of the movie? Well, that comes full circle here in the worst possible way. They do the unthinkable. They add insult to injury. They freaking show the cell phone video of Carrie getting bullied in the locker room while she's on stage, right before the pig blood gets dumped on her. Totally, 100%, unequivocally, by all means of the word, UNNECESSARY. 

The killing spree is kind of impressive, but then again, no it's really not. One thing I really hated about is is the music choice. Instead of silence accompanied by a few shrill violin shrieks, they put in a crappy orchestral piece that just kinda sits there while the scene happens around it. Honestly, you kind of forget there's music at all about 30 seconds in. It's really dumb and I don't like it. A few people burn to death, a few people get electrocuted, two twin girls who didn't do anything for the whole movie but apparently they were villains since they hung around Chris got trampled to death and I felt sad for them because they could've done so much more and their death could've actually meant something, Carrie force chokes the gym teacher, like literally picks her up with her psychic powers by the neck and reaches her hand out and chokes her to death like Darth freaking Vader, and a bunch of other stuff happens too, but I don't remember all of it because it really really sucked. But that all pales in comparison to when Chris and Billy chase Carrie in their car outside of the school. Remember in the original movie when they tried to run her over, but Carrie flipped the car like a boss and it was really cool and not at all silly? None of that here. Guess what? Carrie sees the car coming for her and the STOMPS THE GROUND IN FRONT OF HER AND CAUSES AN EARTHQUAKE.

Hmmm, I wonder where they could've stolen-err "gotten inspired by" that idea from?

However, an earthquake is no big deal for cool driver guy Billy, as he just swerves around the cracks. When they've passed the freaking psychic earthquake (God, I can't believe I just said that), Billy and Chris continue to try to run over Carrie, only this time, Carrie just put her arm out in front of her and makes like an invisible wall or something and the front of the car gets crushed and since Billy wasn't wearing a seatbelt, he goes headfirst into the dashboard, most likely killing him. Remember kids, not wearing your seatbelt might make you look like a cool kid, but if a revenge-driven psychic girl comes and causes an earthquake in front of your car by stomping the ground, you're screwed. After Billy (probably) dies, Chris remains in the car, battered, but not dead yet. Carrie takes full advantage of this situation by using her psychic powers to pick up the car. Then, seeing that Chris is flooring the gas pedal, Carrie makes the wise decision to throw the car at a gas station that's like 20 feet away from her. As expected, an explosion that should have been a whole lot bigger and killed Carrie as well only kills Chris and Carrie seriously pulls a Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions walk as the rest of the station blows up. 

Jazz Hands! Ha-cha-cha-chaaaa!

The prom climax is over and half of the people in the theater have left. What's left? Oh yeah, the mother murder! Are they gonna stay true to the book and have Carrie use her powers to stop her mother's heart or are they gonna copy the movie exactly and just leave it with a simple knife to the heart? Kind of in the middle of those two. Carrie takes a bunch of scissors and knives and impales her mother to the wall with them, but it's cool and different and ironic this time since she put some knives in her hands and feet so her mother looks like Jesus crucified on the cross. It's kinda dumb, I know, but I appreciate the effort they put in to making it a cool ironic death. I bet a few people clapped in the theater. 

After that ordeal, freaking Sue Snell comes by and sees Carrie and her dead mother. Sue tries talking to her, but Carrie just force chokes her. Carrie lets Sue go for some reason and she runs away just in time to see the house CGI itself apart. Then the big twist that isn't a big twist if you read the book comes and Sue Snell is preggers. Yyyyaaaayyyy???? Nobody cares??? Just get to the credits so I can get out of this theater and demand a refund?????

So yeah, that's the 2013 Carrie remake. It sucked. It really sucked. It just didn't need to be made. Like, at all. They could've just left the original movie alone and had The Rage: Carrie 2 be the only blemish on an otherwise great book adaptation. Now there's two ginormous zits on the beautiful face of Steven King's Carrie. Honestly, this movie is an insult to the original. Everything the 76 version did right, this movie did wrong, and everything the 76 version did wrong, this movie did worse. I'm still super pissed off that they reveal Carrie's powers in full within 10 minutes of the start. That's just like an insult to the audience, like you think they're too stupid to appreciate the subtle build up of power that the original did so well. The only thing redeeming about this film is the acting by Chloe Grace-Moretz and Julianne Moore, which is saying a lot because they really make something out of nothing with this godawful script. If you've seen the original Carrie, you probably had reasonable doubts about this remake and if you still haven't seen this movie, I advise you to keep having not seen it. Forever. This movie didn't deserve to see the light of day and it should have been scrapped with Texas Chainsaw 2013. STOP MAKING CRAPPY CONTINUATIONS/REMAKES OF GOOD HORROR MOVIES, PEOPLE! I give Carrie 2013 ONE psychic earthquake out of 10. Like I said, the only decent thing here is two actresses trying to make the best out of a garbage script. Never see this movie. Just don't do it. 

You know you messed up when Dave Grohl can pay homage to the movie you're remaking better than you can.