Creep (2014) Review

Well, this is certainly a nice surprise, isn't it? An actual GOOD horror movie in 2014. 2014 was a weird year for horror movies. On one hand, you had big theater releases that absolutely flopped and did horribly like Annabelle, Ouija, and The Purge sequel. On the other hand, there were some absolutely terrific movies that either got very limited theater time or none at all like The Babadook, The Taking Of Deborah Logan (review incoming, trust me, I love this movie), and Tusk (again, review incoming because I love this movie too). This movie falls into the latter of those two categories, with it only being released on video on demand before becoming available on Netflix earlier in 2015. But enough intro, let's look at a movie that actually surprised me by how good it turned out to be: Creep.

CREEPY SPOILERS AHEAD

This film is directed by and stars Patrick Brice, and considering this is his first movie, I'm incredibly impressed. He used great lighting and cinematography to make a terrific found footage movie that makes most other found footage films look like trash. Most of the time, we don't even see Brice. Mark Duplass is the real star of this movie and man oh man, does he ever do a convincing job in this film. The plot is as follows: Patrick Brice is a freelance cameraman and he answers Mark Duplass' ad on Craigslist, which takes him to Duplass' cabin up in the woods on a big hill. There, Mark wants him to document a few days in his life as he prepares for his inevitable death from cancer. At first it seems pretty normal; Mark takes Patrick on a trip through the woods to a spring and they go to a restaurant for some pancakes. But then things start to get........creepy. Mark starts showing his true colors and Partick has to find some way to get away from him for good. 

Hey buddy, you're not gonna watch The Lazarus Effect are you?

That's all I'm going to divulge because you really need to experience this movie for yourself. Of course, with this being a Blumhouse production, there's bound to be a few cliche jumpscares, but for the most part, those stay in the beginning of the film. The second half of this movie is where things really start to take off. Whether it's the amazing tension that's built scene after scene, using only silence and a mildly lit hallway for atmosphere, Mark Duplass' incredible performance, or the weird, unsettling vibe that comes from Mark Duplass wearing a werewolf mask and calling himself "Peachfuzz The Wolf", this movie definitely delivers on it's namesake. I genuinely felt creeped out on multiple occasions during this film. 

JAZZ HANDS! HA-CHA-CHA-CHAAAAA

What makes this movie great is its ability to get under your skin. There's something so unnerving about Mark Duplass' character and until it's revealed why he's like this, he has this weird mystery to him that just puts you on edge. Something doesn't sit right with you from the moment you first lay eyes on him. Combine that with the incredible cinematography and lighting techniques used and you've got yourself one great horror film. The only nitpick that I have is that it did feel a little bit long. There's a third act to this movie when you don't expect there to be one and while that's where most of the best scenes happen, it does feel a bit out of place and unnecessary. 

All in all, Creep is an excellent horror film and if this movie is anything to go off of, I'm definitely looking forward to Patrick Brice's next films. He directed another film in 2015 called The Overnight that I've heard many good things about. Maybe I'll check it out someday. I give Creep 8 weird wolf masks out of 10. If you've got Netflix and you like being creeped out, definitely go check it out. 

Apollo 18 (2011) Review

I'd just like to say before I start this review that the entire time while I was watching this movie, THE ENTIRE TIME, all I could think about was that "if two guys were on the moon and one killed the other with a rock would that be fucked up or what" meme. It may have ruined the immersion of the movie for me, but whatever, I love that meme to death. It's a real thinker. Just imagine. Two guys on the moon and one kills the other with a rock. Would that be fucked up or what? Like seriously. Anyway, this is Apollo 18.

SPOILER ALERT! IN SPACE! WITH ALIENS!

HOLY CRAP IT"S ANOTHER FOUND FOOTAGE MOVIE WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END

So basically, these two dudes go into space and they land on the moon and plant some machines to try and mess with whatever it is the Russians are doing on the moon because the US found out that Russians went to the moon and did some stuff on it. Then some aliens come out and that's about it. No, really. That's the whole movie. Really boring, right? Ehhhh, only a little bit. 

The aliens in this movie aren't your traditional "little green men", nor are they terrifying abominations with sickle arms and tentacle mouths. They are little itty bitty buggy type things that disguise themselves as moon rocks to get close to their prey. That's.....actually kinda clever. Props, writers. 

So, how this movie goes is that the two astronauts collect what they think are moon rocks the first day, and some of those rocks turn out to be aliens. They find a dead Russian cosmonaut in a crater and a Russian moon lander and then later one of the astronauts (we'll call him Jim) sees a little spider thing crawling inside of his helmet and when they get back to their lander, everything's fine. 

A bit later on, Jim starts experiencing paranoia and starts to go crazy in the lander and when the other astronaut (we'll call him John) examines him, he cuts a moon rock out of Jim's arm. BUT IT WASN'T A MOON ROCK IT WAS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE PARASITIC ALIENS THAT LOOK LIKE MOON ROCKS OOOOOHHHHHH SPOOPS! 

Anywho, Jim and John finally figure out that the aliens are little bugs that look like moon rocks and they're whats causing Jim to go nuts. They try to escape in their pod but surprise surprise, it's broken. They then try to go to the Russian pod, but Jim gets pulled into a crater by an alien. John makes it to the Russian pod and manages to take off right as a fully-alien-controlled Jim is about to break into the ship. Oh yeah, Jim's head explodes here too and it's pretty neato. 

John radios to the closest manned station, but they think that he's infected with moon bugs as well, so they say that they can't let him on. At this point, everything goes bad. Since this is a found footage movie, we have to find some way of killing off the main character. Sooooooo let's have the gravity shut off and then have that reveal that there were moon rock bugs on the ship the whole time and they'll float up into the air and all swarm onto John at once, resulting in nobody being able to control the pod and it crashing into the space station, killing everyone on board as well. Cut to pre-mission footage of Jim having a barbecue with his earth family and that's a wrap folks! 

 

Alright, so what did I think of Blair Witch In Space-errrr Apollo 18? Honestly, the found footage really made this movie incredibly boring. I think if it was shot like a traditional movie instead of the found footage, then it would have been a much more enjoyable film. The acting is okay, nothing spectacular and also nothing to awful. It does suffer a bit from shaky cam syndrome, but that's to be expected considering it's a found footage film. Honestly, this movie had a lot of potential to be a thrilling, suspenseful movie. It just didn't have the right delivery or pacing for it. Everything felt a bit rushed, which I blame the lack of plot for. The astronauts literally finish their mission in the first 20 minutes and are about to go home when all of the alien stuff starts happening. This could have easily been a short film with a mild alien chase scene as the climax and it would have worked a lot better. Some of the effects are neat and I really liked the overall design and concept of the aliens. However, style points only go so far and it's not enough to save this movie from being the snoozefest that it is. I give Apollo 18 4 guys being killed on the moon with a rock out of 10. It's worth at least one watch for the cool aliens, but you'll likely immediately forget about it afterwards. 

Shrooms (2007) Review

Guys, please listen to me. I wanna preface this review by giving everybody out there a message. Drugs are bad, mmmkay? Don't do drugs. Chances are, your experience on drugs will be miles better than this movie, but still, don't do drugs. Just throwin that out there. Tryin to be a good role model and such. Anyway, this is Shrooms, a movie that I'm sure everybody in the stoner community was excited for but very disappointed by.

LIKE, ZOINKS SCOOB! THERE'S SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW!

Alrighty, how on earth do I even begin to talk about this movie? Well, for starters, it's a stoner movie. That much should have been obvious based on the title. How do you make psychedelic mushrooms scary, you ask? Well, for starters, you invent a new type of mushroom specifically for your movie that is (very) loosely based off of the real life "death cap" mushroom, which is fatal when ingested. This movie's death mushroom is basically the same as that except with a black lump on top which exists purely for the idiot cast of this movie to make nipple jokes about. 

Don't you understand, Sarah? The ones with the nipples are POISON!

Speaking of the cast of this movie, they're all Irish. Well, not all of them. Only one of them is Irish in the movie, but the entire film was made in Ireland with Irish actors putting on bad fake American accents. The plot of this movie is pretty simple: a bunch of stupid college kids go to a remote section of the woods in Ireland with a local guide, looking for the ultimate mushroom high. In these woods, they encounter a bunch of creepy stuff like backwoods inbreds, a guy with an axe, a feral boy, and a creepy lady in the water. OR DID THEY?! OR WAS IT ALL A HALLUCINATION FROM THE SHROOMS(TM)?! 

See the nipples, dude? That means it's poison. Stay away from the nipples. 

Okay, so basically these characters who I'm sure had names but I've forgotten all of them, go into the woods and the local guide tells them ghost stories about grizzly murders that happened in this area. This freaks out a few of the college kids and leads into our main villain of this movie: actual incarnations of the monsters and killers from the ghost stories. I'm not even joking. 

But here's where things start to get interesting. Alright, are you following me here? I'm about to drop some knowledge on you. Two of the characters are just Jay and Silent Bob, but with different names. MIND BLOWN, RIGHT?! Seriously, one of them is a skinny guy with long blonde hair who never takes off his beanie, and the other is a kinda fat-ish guy with a backwards cap who barely ever talks, that is until his shroom tripping scene, which might I say is THE BEST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. 

Let's divulge into a critical analysis of Silent Bob's freakout scene, shall we? So Silent Bob has a freakout on shrooms late at night and he sees a really pretty girl running into the woods. So, being the college horndog that he is, Silent Bob chases her into the woods armed with only his boxer shorts and his quick wit. He follows her for a while before coming across the best character in the whole movie and quite possibly the best character of modern cinema, THE COW. Yessir, Silent Bob finds a cow just chillin' in the middle of the woods. And best of all? THIS COW CAN TALK! Oh, you expected it to just be a regular old cow that does nothing? NO SIR THIS COW IS MAGIC, SON! To quote the talking cow directly, "That's right. A fucking cow that can fucking talk." Silent Bob has a nice discussion with Madame Cowsley (that's what I named her because she didn't have a name in the credits) before finding a car that is shaking. Now, Irish man had told the group before about people who would drive their cars out into the middle of the woods to "get intimate" inside and if you happened to come across this car, you could roll down the window and stick your willy wong in and get a little slurpy slurp if you catch my drift. Now, Silent Bob sees his opportunity to get his tallywhacker polished and he whips it out and sticks it right on in. After a few seconds of niceness, it's all ruined when the woman inside brings teeth into the equation. Silent Bob's trouser snake is bitten clean off and he falls over on the ground dead. Might I also remind you that this is the first death in the movie, so it's an accurate representation of the silliness to come. 

Hey bud, you gonna eat that grass? (STONER HUMOR, STONERS, THATS YOUR CUE TO LAUGH)

Okay, with that little detour out of the way, how's the rest of the movie? 

Turns out that the one killing all of the kids was just one of their own, on a very good high from the death nipple shroom that caused her to go on a murderous rampage. Yep. Everything spooky in the movie was all the kids hallucinating as that one girl killed them all. She's the only survivor after it's all over so naturally, as she's being airlifted out, she kills the paramedic in the helicopter and slams against the window in a jumpscare because you have to know that she's the killer, don't you? 

That's it. That's the movie. It's really really boring besides that cow bit and at their best, the actors are still absolutely unbearable. This movie had a lot of potential because they could have done a lot with the hallucination stuff. You know, made it a lot more psychadelic kind of scary, like introduced the supernatural into it more than they did. The setting was pretty weird as well. It was like a woods setting one second, and then inside of a school, and then in a clear swamp that goes on for miles. This area is just every area in a horror movie ever. 

Overall, Shrooms is a movie that tries very hard to please its target audience and I didn't watch this movie stoned, but if I did, I imagine that I'd be just as bored, if not more bored. It's just......not very good. I give this movie 2 death nipple mushrooms out of 10. Just don't waste your time, even if you're high. 

Dude, same.

The Blair Witch Project (1999) Review

Known as the pioneer of the "found footage" horror genre (even though Cannibal Holocaust did it almost 15 years before this movie), The Blair Witch Project is hailed as a masterpiece of horror among horror buffs and movie fans in general. But does it hold up today, over 15 years later? Probably. Let's take a look at.......The Blair Witch Project.

SPOILERS ALL AROUND! THERE'S PLENTY FOR EVERYONE! HELP YOURSELVES!

I should let you guys know something. Even though I consider myself a horror fan, I didn't see this film until about a month ago. It was always on my "horror bucket list", but I just could never find the time or patience to sit through it until recently. I'd heard wonderful things about it, how it "makes Paranormal Activity look like a joke" (even though Paranormal Activity is already a joke, amirite?), how it's "one of the best movies I've ever seen", and how it "scared the bejeezus out of" my mother and tons of other people. I finally sat down and watched it, and I gotta say.....it's okay, I guess. 

You all know the plot: 3 college kids go into the woods that are supposedly haunted by the spirit of a witch, armed only with a camera, a map, and almost as much sexual tension as Mulder and Scully. They're making a documentary on the area and the myths surrounding the haunted woods. The locals urge them not to go into the woods at night, but you know those darn young'uns, they just don't listen. They go into the woods, spend the majority of the daytime bickering amongst each other, and at night, some spooky stuff happens. That's about it. 

I knew I should've brought more weed, dude....

A major selling point of this film was that this "found footage" thing hadn't been done before (at least in a big theatrical release like this), and as such, the advertising for this film was based on a pure lie told by the production company. The audience was told that the events of the movie actually happened and the three main characters had actually gone missing in the woods. There were all kinds of missing person posters slapped around towns and fake reports put out in the news and junk like that. At least, that's what I've heard. I was a measly 5 years old when this movie came out, so I was obviously more interested in Power Rangers and didn't have time to care about missing people. I think that's why I find this movie a little bit lackluster compared to other people; I wasn't there to witness this film's impact: the masses of people who fell for this publicity stunt and actually thought that these characters were missing. I mean, they went all out: they didn't name the characters and instead used the actors' real names, plus there were no actors listed in the credits. However, I bet all those people who thought they actually died were feeling a little dumb when they saw a little movie from 2007 called The Morgue and said to themselves "Hey, isn't that the girl from Blair Witch? I thought she died! What's she doing here?!" Anyway, this movie proves that advertising is one of the most important aspects that determine how well a movie does in the box office. 

Missing: Three hippie art school students. If found, please do not return. 

So aside from the great publicity that was generated for this movie, what else is there that made it stand out to the average horror viewer in 1999? Well, for one, it's actually really really creepy. Whenever anyone asks me how to properly make a creepy atmosphere in a horror movie, I always point them to the night scenes from Blair Witch. At first, there's not much happening at night: a few birds chirping, maybe a twig snapping, usual nature stuff. Then, they piss off the witch and crap hits the fan. They start waking up to find "presents" in front of their tents: a little doll made out of straw, some rocks in a formation, and a freaking bloody tooth wrapped in cloth. On top of that, the night noises start becoming increasingly more violent. You start to hear low growls, much bigger sticks snapping, large footsteps, and one night, the characters are even confronted by the witch (supposedly, the witch is never actually shown on screen) and chased through the woods. Now, you expect the witch to look like a generic female ghost-y type thing, right? WRONG. 

DEMON MONSTER FROM HELL! This is the "official" Blair Witch action figure, btw.

All this creepiness culminates in one of the friends going missing, and the other two kids go looking for him and eventually find him in the Blair Witch's house, which has a deep mythos surrounding it, which I'm not gonna go into here because it's a really long explanation. Anyway, they find him standing by himself in the corner of a room, not saying anything, which is also part of the mythos, but if you wanna hear about that, go look it up, and the girl says "Josh?" and we cut to black. That's all, folks!

So, what did I think of The Blair Witch Project, one of the most well-respected horror movies of all time? Honestly, I thought it was just above average. It's nothing special, but it's certainly the best found footage movie I've ever seen. Most of it is pretty good: the aforementioned atmosphere, the story is good, and it's very well-paced. The main problem I have with this movie is the same problem I have with all the Paranormal Activity movies (which I'll get to reviewing eventually, trust me). This is the part where you say "But Synester, how on earth can you compare Blair Witch to something like Paranormal Activity?!". And to you, I say: the daytime. The daytime scenes are what makes me not like this movie as much as others. Everything about the daytime scenes is just extremely boring to watch, just like in Paranormal Activity. Literally nothing happens except the characters arguing about which way to go through the woods and maybe a little bit of the mythos is explained. Other than that, NOTHING happens during the day, which takes up about 40% of the entire film! Boring filler like that just kills the mood of your movie and makes the audience hope for something exciting to happen, which good thing it did happen in this film or else I would've been super pissed. Overall though, this movie is pretty good and I completely understand why it has the giant following and reputation that it has. I give The Blair Witch Project 7 shaky handicams out of 10. I'd say definitely watch it once, just to experience the phenomenon for yourself. 

*sniffle* This is stupid. Jimmy started it and I'm the one in time out. *sniffle*

Carrie (2013) Review

I dedicate this review to my fellow reviewer (not horror) friend, Jaimie, who is the one person I know who got pissed off at this movie even more than I did, and that's saying a lot cuz boy oh boy did this one suck absolute donkey testicles. This one's gonna be a long one, folks. Lots of crap for me to vent about. Grab some popcorn and enjoy the ride. This is........Carrie......the new one....

SPOILERS AHEAD! UNLESS YOU'RE JAIMIE, IN WHICH CASE YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS TRASH PILE OF A MOVIE

Oh man, where do I even begin? There's just so much wrong with this movie. So many things to discuss, so many inconsistencies and major changes to gripe about. So many comparisons to the original, superior in every single way 1976 Carrie to make. Let's just start from the beginning I guess.

For starters, the main actresses have obviously been changed since Sissy Spacek is too old to play Carrie and Piper Laurie is too old to play Carrie's mother. Now, book Carrie is ugly, acne-ridden, and very overweight, so the logical thing would be to cast someone who can fit those characteristics to an extent (makeup and CG helps a little with that) and still do a good job acting. One actress who comes to my mind as perfect for the role is Gabourey Sidibe, the girl who played Precious. If the casting manager had chosen her, you'd have knocked out the "it's not book accurate" rant I'm about to slam your way, as well as winning over the Tumblr nerds by casting a black female in the role that was previously held by a white girl. They love that kind of stuff; shows you don't care about what color the protagonist is, as long as they get the job done well. 

A-HEM

Anyway, instead of doing something cool like that, they cast Chloe Grace-Moretz, who is not only not overweight, but is also one of the most beautiful actresses I've ever seen. WHERE IS THE LOGIC?! The part of Carrie's mother is played by Julianne Moore, who just so happens to be my all-time favorite actress. This is a much more fitting casting choice, although I can't help but think that Sigourney Weaver could've done it better. However, both Julianne and Chloe are incredibly talented actresses and they manage to take a little bit of the pain away with their performances. But that's the ONLY thing that's redeeming about this film. Everything, and yes, I mean EVERYTHING else is 100%, farm fresh, unfiltered cow butt. Let's jump into the plot.

There's some stupid prologue thing that shows Julianne Moore giving birth to Carrie and she portrays the character very well, cursing God for placing this burden upon her. This doesn't last long and it accomplishes nothing. MOVING ON!

We start off with the real intro scene in the locker room, just like the original movie, but hold onto your horses folks because not even 10 minutes into this thing yet and we already screwed up big time. Remember in the original film when Carrie gets her first period and freaks out and then all the other girls throw tampons at her and that's about all that happens? Yeah, that happens in this one too, but to further insult the audience members who haven't seen the original, Carrie reveals her psychic powers in the freaking intro scene and starts moving the tampons on the floor away from her and then she screams and a light above her breaks. Good stuff. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Since this movie was made in 2013, we have to involve technology because kids these days are always on those darn cellular telephones. One of the girls takes out her phone and starts filming Carrie with the tampons being thrown at her. 

Gotta love forced cyberbullying subplots

Here's where the movie makes it's first mistake: revealing Carrie's powers almost immediately. In the original film, Carrie barely ever used her powers at all until the prom climax and even when she did, it was very very subtle, leaving the audience wondering what the full extent of what she can do it. In this remake, you see her blow up a lamp in the first 10 minutes, so if you're new to the whole "Carrie" thing, you're naturally gonna assume that if she can blow up a lamp, she can blow up someone's head. They take all of the mystery and intrigue of watching Carrie's powers slowly but steadily grow and just chuck it out the window. 

So, continuing on, Carrie goes home and her mom yells at her like you expect her to, but here's a surprise: Carrie yells back. That's right, that shy, sheltered, scared of everything involving her mother girl you knew in the original film is dead and an angry Chloe Grace-Moretz has overtaken her body, complete with lousy character writing. Carrie is supposed to reluctantly stand there mumbling "Yes mama" over and over again until her mother eventually slaps her and sends her to her room. That's just how it's supposed to go. Carrie is not supposed to freak out and scream at her mother, threatening to kill her with her psychic powers. They took a character and just completely flip flopped how they act in one of the most crucial scenes in the movie! Whyyyyyyy? Also, Carrie's mom slits her wrists when she gets sad because screw movie continuity, we need that gross out factor.

Enter the other characters of the movie. You have Sue Snell, played by No Career After This Movie Girl, Billy Nolan, played by Not John Travolta, Chris Hargensen, played by Pretty Blonde Girl, Miss Collins the gym teacher, played by Who Even Cares, and Tommy Ross, played by Augustus Waters from The Fault In Our Stars. Something tells me that they tried to get Chris Hemsworth to play Billy Nolan because he definitely fits the studly jock stereotype, but I think Chris Hemsworth knew better than to take a movie as dumb as this. Plus, he was already probably doing Cabin In The Woods, which is Citizen freaking Kane compared to this movie.

If you think these characters are gonna be interesting or well-developed, guess again nerd, they're exactly the kind of washed-up, only-there-to-advance-the-plot nothings that modern horror movies like this just love.

So nothing else happens before the prom finale except for Carrie and Augustus Waters getting kinda close and Carrie using her psychic powers every 5 seconds because kids these days are too stupid to understand subtlety and they need the fact that Carrie is psychic to be shoved in their face or they'll get bored with the movie. At this point in the movie, Carrie has advanced her powers from blowing up a lamp and a water cooler to levitating her bed with her on it and spinning books around her like a freaking Kadabra. Blah blah blah, is it time for the pig blood yet?

Actually yes, let's move onto the prom finale, the only thing people who saw the first movie watched the remake for. I watched this remake hoping that all the crap that led up to the prom finale would be forgotten with a massively upgraded prom killing spree, showing how far special effects have come since 1976. What I got was a massively ridiculous gorefest that doesn't hit nearly as hard as it did in the original because you freaking revealed Carrie's full power at the start of the movie and didn't stop showing her using it until this point you freaking idiots. Oh yeah, remember that cyberbullying subplot from the start of the movie? Well, that comes full circle here in the worst possible way. They do the unthinkable. They add insult to injury. They freaking show the cell phone video of Carrie getting bullied in the locker room while she's on stage, right before the pig blood gets dumped on her. Totally, 100%, unequivocally, by all means of the word, UNNECESSARY. 

The killing spree is kind of impressive, but then again, no it's really not. One thing I really hated about is is the music choice. Instead of silence accompanied by a few shrill violin shrieks, they put in a crappy orchestral piece that just kinda sits there while the scene happens around it. Honestly, you kind of forget there's music at all about 30 seconds in. It's really dumb and I don't like it. A few people burn to death, a few people get electrocuted, two twin girls who didn't do anything for the whole movie but apparently they were villains since they hung around Chris got trampled to death and I felt sad for them because they could've done so much more and their death could've actually meant something, Carrie force chokes the gym teacher, like literally picks her up with her psychic powers by the neck and reaches her hand out and chokes her to death like Darth freaking Vader, and a bunch of other stuff happens too, but I don't remember all of it because it really really sucked. But that all pales in comparison to when Chris and Billy chase Carrie in their car outside of the school. Remember in the original movie when they tried to run her over, but Carrie flipped the car like a boss and it was really cool and not at all silly? None of that here. Guess what? Carrie sees the car coming for her and the STOMPS THE GROUND IN FRONT OF HER AND CAUSES AN EARTHQUAKE.

Hmmm, I wonder where they could've stolen-err "gotten inspired by" that idea from?

However, an earthquake is no big deal for cool driver guy Billy, as he just swerves around the cracks. When they've passed the freaking psychic earthquake (God, I can't believe I just said that), Billy and Chris continue to try to run over Carrie, only this time, Carrie just put her arm out in front of her and makes like an invisible wall or something and the front of the car gets crushed and since Billy wasn't wearing a seatbelt, he goes headfirst into the dashboard, most likely killing him. Remember kids, not wearing your seatbelt might make you look like a cool kid, but if a revenge-driven psychic girl comes and causes an earthquake in front of your car by stomping the ground, you're screwed. After Billy (probably) dies, Chris remains in the car, battered, but not dead yet. Carrie takes full advantage of this situation by using her psychic powers to pick up the car. Then, seeing that Chris is flooring the gas pedal, Carrie makes the wise decision to throw the car at a gas station that's like 20 feet away from her. As expected, an explosion that should have been a whole lot bigger and killed Carrie as well only kills Chris and Carrie seriously pulls a Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions walk as the rest of the station blows up. 

Jazz Hands! Ha-cha-cha-chaaaa!

The prom climax is over and half of the people in the theater have left. What's left? Oh yeah, the mother murder! Are they gonna stay true to the book and have Carrie use her powers to stop her mother's heart or are they gonna copy the movie exactly and just leave it with a simple knife to the heart? Kind of in the middle of those two. Carrie takes a bunch of scissors and knives and impales her mother to the wall with them, but it's cool and different and ironic this time since she put some knives in her hands and feet so her mother looks like Jesus crucified on the cross. It's kinda dumb, I know, but I appreciate the effort they put in to making it a cool ironic death. I bet a few people clapped in the theater. 

After that ordeal, freaking Sue Snell comes by and sees Carrie and her dead mother. Sue tries talking to her, but Carrie just force chokes her. Carrie lets Sue go for some reason and she runs away just in time to see the house CGI itself apart. Then the big twist that isn't a big twist if you read the book comes and Sue Snell is preggers. Yyyyaaaayyyy???? Nobody cares??? Just get to the credits so I can get out of this theater and demand a refund?????

So yeah, that's the 2013 Carrie remake. It sucked. It really sucked. It just didn't need to be made. Like, at all. They could've just left the original movie alone and had The Rage: Carrie 2 be the only blemish on an otherwise great book adaptation. Now there's two ginormous zits on the beautiful face of Steven King's Carrie. Honestly, this movie is an insult to the original. Everything the 76 version did right, this movie did wrong, and everything the 76 version did wrong, this movie did worse. I'm still super pissed off that they reveal Carrie's powers in full within 10 minutes of the start. That's just like an insult to the audience, like you think they're too stupid to appreciate the subtle build up of power that the original did so well. The only thing redeeming about this film is the acting by Chloe Grace-Moretz and Julianne Moore, which is saying a lot because they really make something out of nothing with this godawful script. If you've seen the original Carrie, you probably had reasonable doubts about this remake and if you still haven't seen this movie, I advise you to keep having not seen it. Forever. This movie didn't deserve to see the light of day and it should have been scrapped with Texas Chainsaw 2013. STOP MAKING CRAPPY CONTINUATIONS/REMAKES OF GOOD HORROR MOVIES, PEOPLE! I give Carrie 2013 ONE psychic earthquake out of 10. Like I said, the only decent thing here is two actresses trying to make the best out of a garbage script. Never see this movie. Just don't do it. 

You know you messed up when Dave Grohl can pay homage to the movie you're remaking better than you can.

Come Back To Me (2014) Review

This movie really pisses me off. Like, a lot. It's just so bad. So unfathomably bad. Everything about it is just awful. Nothing about it works, and I'm really mad at myself for watching it. This is....Come Back To Me. 

Let's start off simple. 

Plot: Sarah is experiencing waking nightmares after a creepy new neighbor named Dale moves in, so to find out what's going on, she set up a camera in her room. (Minus points for unoriginal found footage crap that every other movie past Blair Witch has done before)

I'm just gonna jump right into it, this movie has a twist ending and it's not good and it makes no sense and it's just really REALLY dumb. Wanna hear it? Trust me, you don't, but I'm not gonna tell you to go watch this piece of crap to find out yourself so I'm gonna tell you to save you the time. 

Twist ending: Dale has the ability to bring people back from the dead. This ability was never alluded to before the last 15 minutes of the film, so there is literally no way of anybody knowing it was coming. Anyway, those waking nightmares Sarah was having? They actually happened. See, Dale has a crush on Sarah because she looks exactly like his mother, who he killed when he was little. So, because he has a crush on her and she doesn't like him back, Dale decides to sneak into Sarah's house at night, kill her in her sleep, then rape her before bringing her back to life. I know, it's dumb, right? 

BONUS TWIST ENDING: Sarah's husband Josh is almost never seen in the movie, but it's told in the middle of the movie that Sarah is preggers. Fast forward to nine months later and near the end of the movie, Sarah gives birth to a beautiful baby boy.....who looks nothing like either her or Josh. Turns out Josh is sterile and that baby belongs to creepy dude Dale, who conceived it by, you guessed it, the first time he killed Sarah and raped her. Gross. 

Anywho, at the end of the movie, Sarah shoots Dale and kills him and I want you to try and guess what happens next. Go ahead, I'll wait....................................................did you guess it?

When Dale dies, all of the people he killed and resurrected die too.

You'd think that's too cliche for a movie that I assume prides itself on fooling you with twists. But no, that's the one thing that's predictable about this film. It's just sad. 

Overall, Come Back To Me is a horrible, horrible movie. You can tell I hated it a lot because of how little content is in this review. I tried to write as much as I could about this movie, I really did, but I just couldn't think of anything else to say about it. No jokes, no clever critique, nothing. Just like this film, I've got nothing. One other thing though, the characters in this film are perhaps some of the worst-acted and worst-written characters I've ever seen in a movie. Creepy Dale is supposed to be a weirdo Norman Bates-y mother obsessed freak, but the actor who portrays him just makes it come off as annoying and retarded. Nothing about this movie is okay, not even a little bit. I've never done this before because I can usually find at least a glimmer of hope in any bad movie, but not this time. There is literally nothing redeemable about this piece of garbage. 

Come Back To Me gets a ZERO out of 10. 

You heard me. ZERO. This is one of the worst excuses for a horror movie I've ever seen and I advise that you never ever watch it. 

Mega Shark VS Mecha Shark (2014) Review

SPOILER ALERT: A MEGA SHARK AND A MECHA SHARK JUST KINDA SWIM AROUND IN THIS MOVIE AND THAT'S ABOUT ALL THAT HAPPENS. NO, REALLY.

So you guys know how much I love giant monster films. Especially giant monster films that feature one giant monster fighting another giant monster. They're usually harmless, "so bad it's good" movies that are perfect for getting a bunch of friends together for a good laugh. However, Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark is not like the other movies in this category in the fact that instead of being "so bad it's good", it's just plain bad. 

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I watched this movie with friends expecting a ridiculously absurd crapfest, but in a good way. What I got was an hour and ten minutes of boredom. Nothing happens at all in this film. It's obviously about a giant shark and a giant robot shark built to kill the aforementioned giant shark. However, until the last 15 minutes of the film, the two almost never come into contact with each other, except for the one time when they both jump out of the water and collide in midair in front of an airplane for the trailer shot. 

Exhilarating....

For a movie called Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark, the mega shark and mecha shark don't do a lot of fighting. More like Mecha Shark VS My Attention Span, amirite? Anyway, the gist of the plot is that the mecha shark has an AI inside of it and the AI eventually goes haywire and completely ignores the mega shark it was created to destroy and goes on a rampage through the town. And here's where the only redeeming quality of this movie comes in: 

THE MECHA SHARK TRANSFORMS INTO A TANK

Complete with missiles, a set of metal teeth, and a desire to kill everything, the mecha shark tank makes its way through the town before one of the main characters an heros himself by jumping inside of the mecha shark's mouth to shut it down from the inside. Also, this little girl named Tracy always seems to get in the way of everything while this is going on and almost dies like fifty times because she's dumb and stands in front of a giant mecha shark tank as it's rolling right towards her. 

Freaking Tracy........

Anyhow, all in all, this movie is a huge disappointment. Being a "VS" movie and all, you expect some exciting fights between two giant monsters, but no, instead we get an interracial couple researching sharks and talking about how they're probably gonna have a kid after this is all over or something like that, I don't know, I was so bored watching this. Being an Asylum movie, you can expect the shots to be kinda decent, but everything else crappy. And it is. Oh boy, it all is. If you're like me and want to watch a fun "so bad it's good" monster movie, just take the safe bet and go with something from the Maneater Series instead of this drek. Mega Shark VS Mecha Shark gets 3 giant mecha shark tanks out of 10. I was gonna give it a 1, but that shark tank is too awesome to warrant that kind of score. Best avoid this one like the plague.