Blood Lake: Attack Of The Killer Lampreys (2014) Review

Let me preface this review by saying that as I was watching this movie, the director himself tweeted at me to personally thank me for watching his movie. Don't believe me?

THAT IS TOTALLY AWESOME! Now onto the real review!

Let me first say that this might be the only movie in existence where you can see Christopher Lloyd gets killed by a giant lamprey slithering up his butthole while he's on the toilet. That scene actually happened and it was stupendous. 

Probably hurt worse than when he saw how much money Foodfight made.

You guys know how much I love cheaply made monster movies that don't take themselves too seriously and this is one of the best! The plot is super simple: Lampreys in Lake Michigan are overpopulating and eating all the fish in the lake to extinction. This leads to them not having any more food, so they start attacking humans in order to survive. Then, a mishap at a local dam leads to the lampreys being able to make their way onto land through the local town's main water lines and the main characters are in a rush against time to wipe out the lamprey infestation before it wipes them out!

Now obviously based on the title and the fact that Christopher Lloyd dies the way he does, you can tell that this movie is definitely not intended to be taken seriously. The actors are all hammy, but not to the point where it's annoying. The only one I had a problem with was the child actor, who was ridiculously bad. Like, really really bad guys. Other than that, the actors all felt like they were enjoying themselves and having the time of their lives while filming. 

Moooom! It's raining lampreys again!

This movie feels a lot like Razortooth, another one of my favorite "intentionally bad" monster movies. And that's a really good thing, because I loved Razortooth to death. There weren't that many kills by the lampreys in this movie, but the ones that did happen were incredible. You can tell that the director was having a blast with this movie. The CGI is out of control. There's so much CGI at so many unnecessary times and I think that's hilarious. Like, why break a real window with a real brick when you can just CGI a brick through a CGI window? Windows are expensive, guys! Instead of investing in a water-proof camera, let's just CGI all the water in the underwater scenes! How about instead of putting something that vibrates in the water pipes to simulate lampreys swimming through it, we just CGI the entire water pipe? I loved it all!

There's so many stereotypical characters in this movie and I love every one. You've got the main guy who's a workaholic, his tough guy partner, the wife who is always doubting his actions, the rebellious teenage daughter, the annoying son whose only friend is a dog, the dog (which surprisingly doesn't die), the mayor of the town who just wants more power and money, the black man who is the first to die at the start of the movie, and the hot chick who tries to intrude on main guy's marriage and gets her comeuppance later on. 

I've never seen this hentai before!

Fun is the best word I'd use to describe this movie. I had a blast watching it because I knew that it wasn't trying to be taken seriously. The thing I hate the most in horror movies is a really bad movie that wants you to take it seriously instead of just taking it's stupid plot premise and having fun with it. That's why movies like Blood Lake or Razortooth are so enjoyable for me, I'm having such a good time watching it, I don't even care about how bad the plot is or how cheap the direction is. There's even a little homage to Gremlins 2 in the climax! That's awesome!

Anyway, Blood Lake: Attack Of The Killer Lampreys is a very enjoyable film for anyone who wants to just put a movie on and let their mind go for an hour and a half. I had a blast watching it and I would definitely recommend it! I give Blood Lake 7 lampreys slithering up Christopher Lloyd's butthole out of 10. Definitely check it out! 

Thir13en Ghosts (2001) Review

HUZZAH! IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN!

You'd think that being a horror movie reviewer, I'd be all over the place with reviews this fine October, yeah sorry about that (see previous blog post). Halloween is my favorite holiday (obviously) and nothing gets me in the Halloween spirit better than watching crappy horror movies! Now, you'd think that to honor this amazing night I'd be reviewing a Halloween themed movie such as.......Halloween. But NO! Instead of being cliche, I'm gonna review one of the first horror movies I ever saw and surprise surprise, I saw it around Halloween when I was a little kid and it scared the piss out of me. That movie is Thir13en (screw that name, I'm just using 13 for the rest of this) Ghosts!

Let's take a trip back in time to the year 2001. Little Synester is 6 years old and is no stranger to horror. I mean, we're talking about the kid who threw the biggest temper tantrum of his life because his mom wouldn't let him stay up late and watch a late-night showing of Scream on TV. Scooby Doo was my favorite show and I was obsessed with anything supernatural and spooky. Naturally, when I saw a commercial for this movie one day, I was stoked. I begged my mother to take me to go see it, even though it was rated R and I was but a measly 6 year old. Eventually, my mom gave in and we went to see it on opening night, October 26th, her birthday by the way. She tells me that she only took me with because she wanted to see the movie just as badly, though I doubt that her hype levels were even half of mine that night. How did my mom get a 6 year old into an R rated movie, you ask? That's simple: we snuck in. She bought us two tickets for a showing of the first Harry Potter movie (which I had already seen like 5 times) and then we slinked into the 13 Ghosts theater instead. So we sit down in an almost empty theater (we lived in a very small town, nobody had the time or patience to go see a crappy horror movie) and by the end of the movie, I'm shaking in my seat. This movie terrified me. How could it not? I was only 6 and this movie had scares in it meant purely for adults. But the real question is, did it hold up? Did it still haunt me for years afterwards like Gremlins did? Nope. I rewatched it multiple times since that day and each time I saw it, it only got less and less scary. I chalk that up to it being a total piece of cow dookie. That ends story time, let's get into the plot.

This is the probably the only movie you'll ever see with both Tony Shaloub (of Monk fame) and Shannon Elizabeth (of too many horror movies to count) in leading roles. The plot goes as follows: Tony Shaloub inherits a spooky mansion from his relative, which is already a huge red flag, but Monk is nearly broke, so he has no choice but to take the house, which is made entirely of glass. 

Wait a minute...

Monk's wife died in a fire a long time ago and his family needs a new house to live in, so they accept the inheritance. The person who gives them a tour of the house is a ghost hunter named Dennis, who tells them that the house is home to 12 angry ghosts locked up in the basement and the glass walls are actually magic sealing spells that hold the ghosts inside. Now, any sane person would be like, screw that I'm outta here, but this is a horror movie full of white people and we all know that white people have no common sense in these types of scenarios. Think the movie is stupid so far? Well, it's about to go off the deep end. Dennis gives the family these special glasses that let you see the ghosts while you're wearing them and for the rest of the movie, all of the actors are walking around with these retarded white goggles on their head. 

Hurrrrrr

Then the rest of the movie happens and I kid you not, literally 75% of this movie is just people splitting up and exploring the house by themselves like idiots and running into the ghosts. That's it. Now, that would be fine if any of that was scary, but no, it's all cheap jump scares and suspense-less hall wandering. The last part of the movie is when Monk finds out that the house is actually a machine built by a dead (but not really dead) ghost hunter that would let him see into the future when completed and the best part? It doesn't run on AAA batteries or solar power, but instead? Ghosts. 13 of them to be exact, and Monk is supposed to be the last one. The only problem is that Monk's heart is pure and good and the machine needs a black heart full of hatred and bad stuff to be complete. No wait, it gets better. If Monk kills himself inside of the machine, his goodie two shoes heart will destroy the machine and free all of the ghosts. I'll leave it up to you to decide what happens in the end if you haven't already seen this movie. Spoiler alert, Monk dies. 

He's not alive anymore, so he can't be OCD about how his blood splatters aren't symmetrical.

I can't believe I was ever scared of this movie. It's just a giant mess. That's what happens when you try to remake a 60's classic horror movie by William Castle and attempt to put a modern spin on it. The same thing happened with House On Haunted Hill (which I'll get to eventually, I promise, I've got plenty to say about that atrocity). The plot is utterly ridiculous, especially with those stupid glasses. I mean, what's stopping someone from just taking a giant rock and breaking one of the glass magic sealing walls and freeing all of the ghosts? The spooky mansion setting has been done a million times and making the walls glass doesn't help at all. 

The acting is alright, I guess. Tony Shaloub does okay, same with Shannon Elizabeth. The others are pretty forgettable and contribute almost nothing to the plot besides being ghost bait. 

The one good thing I have to say about this movie is that the ghosts look fantastic. They're all really creepy-looking, and since they all have distinct characteristics, it's easy to tell them apart, which is good because a lot of generic spooky ghost movies will just cram in a bunch of ghosts that all look similar. The scariest is of course, The Jackal. The makeup is on point here and it reminds me a lot of Regan from The Exorcist. 

All we need now is a crucifix and a bucket for me to puke into.

But to me, the creepiest ghost is without a doubt The Torso. You only see it once in the entire movie and all it is is just a bloody torso wrapped in plastic that slowly walks on its arms. It's extremely unnerving and I just love it. 

Looks like he won't be getting a-HEAD in life, huh?

Overall, this movie had some potential to be decent, but in the end it's just a disaster. They could have done so much more with the different ghosts, only about 6 of the 12 ghosts actually do something. The others just sit in their cells in the basement, looking menacing. It's just such a waste. I think this movie would have been much better off as maybe a web series or a tv show, just a regular length season of 13 episodes, with each episode telling a detailed story about the origins and lives of each of the ghosts. Instead, we got all of them mashed up together, fighting with each other for screen time in an hour and a half long film that nobody liked. This movie is still somewhat of a guilty pleasure for me because of the history I have with it and since I like the ghosts' designs so much, but I'm probably the only person in existence that could find anything enjoyable from this garbage. I give Thir13en (ugh) Ghosts 2 glass houses out of a possible 10. It's worth at least one viewing, at least to see those awesome ghosts, but just keep in mind that the ghosts are the only decent thing about this film. 

The Conjuring (2013) Review

My good friend and fellow horror reviewer, Dr. Blood (http://www.drbloodsvideovault.com/), usually has very valid and true opinions when it comes to reviewing horror movies. Him and I rarely ever disagree when it comes to what's good and what's not good in the horror world, but this movie is one of those occasions where we had polar opposite reactions to a movie. He hated it, said it was one of the worst and most boring horror films he's ever seen. I, on the other hand, adore this movie. I think it's amazingly shot, well-scripted, and incredibly scary. What movie has the kind of power to bring two people to totally opposite ends of the spectrum like that? That movie, my friends, is The Conjuring.

I don't really need to explain this movie, seeing as how it's probably the most popular and well-acclaimed horror movie of the past few years. You probably already know about it. But for those who don't know, the plot is ridiculously simple. Family moves into house, house is haunted, family hires ghost hunters to come help, ghost hunters go investigate and get more than they bargained for and end up in a life or death struggle with the ghosties. Simple as that. 

Fun prank: Tape your friend to a chair and nail that chair upside down to the ceiling.

Where this movie succeeds is it's ability to build tension. The first time I saw this film, I was on the edge of my seat in anticipation through the entire movie. The second time I saw it, I was still on edge even though I knew what was going to happen. Sure, there are a couple of cheap jump scares here and there, but for the most part, the scares in this movie are well done. Lots of creepy atmosphere and camera placement helps build up to the scare and when those scares hit, they hit hard. During one scene, I watched a lady in front of me literally fall out of her seat when the scare came. 

That's what I love most about this movie, it can keep you interested and on edge through the whole thing, even with multiple viewings. That's what makes a horror movie good, the ability to consistently scare you time and time again. 

Gotta make sure my makeup looks right before I go ghost hunting!

The acting is spot on in this movie, as well. Patrick Wilson returns as a James Wan regular, and he is the best actor in the film, as usual. The other adult actors are pretty great, too. They all seemed really into their roles and never once seemed wooden. Yes, there are a few child actors here, but none of them are too annoying and most of them don't even get that many lines. 

Overall, The Conjuring is a terrific film, even though it's a spooky ghost movie and you guys know those are my least favorite kind of horror films. I still really loved this movie and I give it 9 ghosts on top of the wardrobe out of 10. 

I chose to review this film now because in a couple of weeks, the prequel to this movie, Annabelle, is coming out. It tells the story of the possessed doll that makes appearances in this movie and has kind of a side plot within it. So, naturally, I'm gonna go see it when it comes out on October 3rd. I don't expect it to be any good, however, since James Wan isn't directing and "possessed object" movies are usually pretty awful. But whatever, I'm still excited for it. 

Know what else comes out on October 3rd? 

Okay Sakurai, you're gonna include a Pit clone, a Marth clone, and a Mario clone, but NO GENO?! I am disappoint.